happy bday...

Sometimes I think ..and maybe its true that I am so much obsessed by myself that I rarely have time for other people. Be that as may..I feel that if I am able to understand even one guy..why shouldnt that guy be me. After all I am investing so much time in 'understanding' . If I have to improve why not me? If I have to love..why not me? Before someone gets me started on sharing and caring bullshit..I sincerely hope that he/she/it is not an Indian. Because I dont know why but I have lost faith in anything said by an Indian(Generally..I am sure there ARE great Indians..but they are too miniscule to make any real real difference).And why 'they' Indians? Because I feel that majority defines the state of the nation..the feel of the nation and the nature of reaction. Somehow I do have a feeling of being caught up in a melee of bumbling Idiots who do not say what they mean..they scarcely know what their true feelings are..shallow dumbasses who are given to loud rhetoric and sheer cowardice. I feel ashamed that I am by birth within a nation thats lying itself away. Lies that start with ones own self. What do I want?What do I love? What do I feel? The 'I' factor has given away to 'living for others' which is an anarchoism for getting into each others face and making life miserable. Gaining small cheap 'one upmanship' and sacrificing the real happiness of being a 'man' or woman.At some level I do sympathise with the killer spirit of 'anything goes' in pursuit of some aim. But here the aim seem to be 'any thing goes system'. And shallow deep within..yep oxymoron but entirely true. You can scarcely make an indian speak the truth. He just cant do it. He has been groomed on lying ..lying to please..lying to achieve..lying to be happy. At the end of the day he has forgotten what its like to think the truth..! Feelings like love,kindness, respect which arise from deep within are games which this country is playing with each other on an olympic level. And everyone seems to be happy...And so be it. If the mentally retarded are happy..I have realised that its dangerous to show their medical report to them. Fatally dangerous. The only way out is to just leave ...for life ,love and hapiness.
And whats the rigmarole of this whole rhetoric? The moot point is that there is no 'I' as a culture due to which instead of a cooperative collective there is a collective mob with high expectations but low morals. Of high decibels and low efficiency. Of high slavishness and low leadership.
Frankly I dont know why I am writing this..Maybe because its my birthday and I wanted to write something. And sometimes I think I write because I cant stop. Its a stupid excuse to write poppsychology shit that I have just written but 'frankly my dear..I dont give a damn' ..not on my  birthday.

Personality Test

Recently , during a session we had a personality test and some team building exercises(the ones corporates generally organise). And there were three tests on personality, The Johari Window, Personality types, and FIRO-B tests. While seemingly innocuous and simple, I was struck by the counterintuitive results of these tests. The things that came out probably were so shocking for people that I remember the gaping mouth of a team member. It was a gape of shock at the tests ..not that they were shocking but they were true(well to a large generic extent) .
I was myself astonished at how true the tests were and how close they were to my personality. 

Delhi snippets

 Delhi was never my favourite city , infact it was one of the worst cities I had ever vistied. Rough weather , Rash people and unfreidly vibes . I had visited Delhi perhaps once during my school times and once en route to an adventure camp. And both expierances had been bad..Perhaps due to the largeness of the city or perhaps due to the oversmartness of people here.

That being said I moved to Delhi in late 2013 from Mumbai , December to be exact . And the incoming wasnt exactly welcoming. Long distances to work, bad traffic, really bad accomodation and a hostile work boss. 

I somehow compromised and pushed on. Of course the weekends were planned on visting monuments , Qutab minar, National Museum, Going for cycling rides with groups like Bikat to Amer fort,Photowalks with walking groups etc. Pradeep from IIT visted and we went on a ride on the gurgaon highway towards jaipur , having snacks at a dhaba, went on a trek to Panwali Kantha with the Bikat group, took a course in contract management at ICAI(Nov 14), Visted Israel in Feb 15,attended RC flying workshops in aug 15,

Went on another trek in Oct 15 and numerous art and craft sessions ...

Transfer came in Aug 16 and I moved to Karwar. Lost almost one lakh worth of camera equipments due to a freinds carelessness. First few monthes were hell . Infact first 8 monthes were hell. But Visited Kenya, Mauritius and Seychelles , took a scuba diving trip in seychelles, Came back , enjoyed Palolim beaches of goa from Karwar.

Second trip to France, visted Grasse the perfume capital. Went to Crete (greece), Visted the Pyramids at Egypt and alexandria in May 2017 followed by Israel (Dead sea, ceasaria, jerusalem), Saudi Arabia and came back and fell ill with Shingles (a viral infection ) and laid up in hospital for two weeks (a very scary yet somewhat calming time, with entire hospital empty). End October Got the news that I am going back to Delhi.Same place.

Was in Delhi in Nov 17

Went for horse riding lessons in Nov 17. Istanbul and Israel i Dec17. Surajkund mela 

Apr 18 an art class taken at defence colony. Visit to israel.

Aug 18, my first art exhibition at SACAC. Short clay lessons at triveni.

Oct 18, Visited Hardwar.

Jul 19, Shimla, Shwet parents.aug 19, hyderabad, mezzotint, prints

Jan 20 , Charans wedding Jodhpur

Feb 20, Israel

Lockdown....

And almost nothing after that till Nov 21 ...And there in another tale

With so much of memories at Delhi, its difficult to forget and not relive Delhi. But somehow the Corona thingy has made it all a distant past. A food you can no longer taste but the taste lingers on.

I am in my last week in Delhi and today is Wednesday, I leave on Friday. My baggage is gone and car is moving on thursday. 

I find myself unable to sleep . Memories , loss, letting go...all come to my mind as I close my eyes. It seems very hopeless now. Somehow I am not able to let go Delhi even though last two years have been nothing good. 

My old boss returned and professionally it has been hell. I dont find myself as active on any scene and somehow I have stopped doing anything. I somehow find myself alone for the first time ....

Hope keeps you alive and maybe thats what is somehow keeping me going..Hope , yes