Friday, December 5, 2014

Crossing the line...

Crossing the line is subtle. There is no thunderous sound of something breaking or a clap of lightning that announces the crossing of line. Its almost like a magical drift of slow but sure red shift of a black hole approaching astronut. The information just stops and the irony is that the astronomer who slides towards the event horizon barely notices that he has crossed it.
The other individual however observes a slow erosion of information and a fading into darkness. Ominously saddening yet inevitable. The warnings are always there. Loud and gravity defying. We just chose not to hear it. Its just sad that these things happen this way. Sometimes you wish there was a better way..But I guess if there was a better wasy there would be.

Those who venture into that realm of fact and fantasy should realise that if gravity can bring masses together..Its the same gravity that can tear you apart. Slowly but surely. Painful yet truthfully.

How close it is to human emotions as people bound by emotions are torn apart by it. The same confidance that nurtures it is the same force that tears it apart. Is it blindness to ignore the approach of the edge of that black hole where gentle gravity turns to destructive tidal gravity? Or is is the sense of security that lulls one's sense of gratitude because of the pervasive nature of love and respect? Is is that the slowness of time affects thoughts and somehow your descent is invisible to everyone except you?

Whatever it is ..One adage remains. Once the line is crossed lose that universe..Forever. ;)

Monday, December 1, 2014

There is a line ..

Here it is


Saturday, November 29, 2014

The lens of life

I wrote this piece of shit when I was a bit drunk :

'Even if the entire world is shit..or so it looks like, remember one thing. The lens through which we perceive, feel and conceptualise 'the' world is built by us. The clearer we are in making that 'glass' , the 'purer' we are ..the world will appear so. Some say that the only way to live is to be 'brave'..I differ. The only way to live is to be 'scared'...Scared that this is your last day on earth. 'Scared' that maybe tomorrow I wont be able to smell the flowers, see the colors or touch the sky. The only thing that is truly your own worth building is memories. Don't take photos..take experiences. Its one imprint that's truly your own. Love! thats the only thing worth feeling...if you haven't experienced it are either an idiot or an asshole. Imperfect,stupid and sometimes deceitful..Love,whatever it is its worth a try. Majority doesn't make anything know that. Morality doesn't come from comes from common sense. Believe in only two things death and taxes(Oscar..oscar ..oscar). Nothing 'guarantees' happiness..except your acceptance (ref Chap 18 , The Bhagvat Gita). Dont be procedure result oriented. The only result that should bother you is 'happiness'. And never make anything emotional with 'agendas'. Its counterproductive always. Some rules just cant be broken(AKA conservation of Mass-energy and the psycho-neurotics of women). Accept and move on . Thought processes define you. If you don't have one ..borrow and make do. If you are mentally incapable of lovemaking..dont try physically. Not worth it.  . No one is indispensable..not even you. You aren't that important. There is a thin line between vanity and pride ..or between confidence and shamelessness. Its thin but its pretty distinct . Dont cross it. . And yeah.. Try giving a bit less Gyan..its pretty fucking irritating ..esp to the idiots '

And maybe verbal dysentery doesn't just go away it the hangover of dysentery...

Come to think of it.. Life sometimes is SHIT. But the best part of it is that I think life gives you hints...subtle but nevertheless hints. Expectations and hints about expectations. It hints that sometimes you are not as important in someone's life as you think yourself to be

(As Twain Bhai said once .Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option)..

It could be your lover,freind, Dog(Ok,not Dog.. Dogs dont do that..) or relatives.. The fact that you are thinking about it should ring alarm bells..Loud..Very Loud. Nothing is more sad than sticking to people who don't care about you. You are better off alone. No doubt that the thought hurts but so does dishonesty in something as hardcore as emotions. You cant make a dishonest relation work. However competent you are. Walk away! Easier said than done..but please walk away and search better skies(if not better ..maybe emptier skies). Dont ever try to 'make it work'. If you are trying to make it work it is an effort..and efforts are taken for building buildings or roads..not building relationships. Happy relationships are effortless.You cant keep a fundamentally repulsive building  from falling apart using cello tapes...You will run out of tapes soon and it will still fall apart. Yes you can use good cement to put it back..but then if you had good cement why didnt you put it initially ??Most likely built it like a cement building only later to find out that instead of cement the mason used clay..and NOW how intelligent of you to use cello tapes ;)

Its quite possible that there is honesty on both sides and its just that priorities are different. Whatever it is ..if you both are mature persons..Don't ever realign them. Just walk away(Preferably with head held high. That way both of you are sad for a moment but you have opened up possibilities for future to be happy. And walking away mentally is the first step towards the same. Perhaps thats the easiest part which eventually is the beginning of the end. And everything ends life. 
It doesnt matter who cries for u after you are dead..or if they build monuments for u. U are fucking dead does it matter? Invest more time into thinking how to avoid dying before death. Invest more time into yourself and stop feeling sorry or sad for others. They have been going on till now without you and most likely they will.You cant be that important. 
And don't play games. Its stupid. In the end its a zero sum sports ..even if you win(if you dont believe me..ask those guys who have won ;)) . What you win is a 'prize' ..a 'deal' ..And deals are not relationships. Deals are bargains. And if you consider are like momentary gratifiers. Their joy doesn't last long..and perhaps till the time you are boasting about it to your peers. But you really cant boast to the man in the mirror. Try doing it. You have to be a real delusional asshole to fool that man ..or u are a Delhite(ouch)!!

You lose value to gain in price. And then live with that low value. Dont disrespect yourself so much. Live with self dignity and death will be a fulfilling one. But I has to the end ..think his/her own philosophy. And I have realised that some people inherently want shit in their lives and subconsciously are happy with the negativity.

Its no use selling emotional honesty to assholes...Assholes are best left alone. And thats the brazen truth. Its like selling High quality Caviar to a villager from Mainpuri..(most likely not only his food tastes differ will be his definition itself of quality and 'high' will be different) . So dont waste your time....  
You really cant explain the benefit of an honest attempt to persons whose entire life is spent 'bargaining' for deals..
The best u can do is politely detach and continue with your pursuit of 'hapyness' and let him/her do their own things. There is no right or wrong...he/she is as much sincerely pursuing 'hapyness' as you are ..and who knows ..
Perhaps he/she/ it is right...
But just let it be...!..Its ok!! Be happy :)

Friday, November 28, 2014

Do we deserve Modi ?

I started writing this piece when the elections were in full swing. Now I am that kind of asshole who will watch up Elections 2014 all night and give the Football Premier league a major miss. And I dont know why I stopped in between..maybe my thoughts were a bit flustered to be coherent..

Modi as a phenomenon burst forth in these last elections and every journalist worth his NaCl was analysing the pros and cons of this man. Some were regurgitating the 'modisms' while some assholic Red Party members were comparing his rallies to Nuremberg Nazi propaganda. Fear mongering at the rise of 'right wing' extremism and 'crony capitalism' reached a frenzy in the media while the elections were in full swing...

We Indians are weird lot..our best discussions happen over the overtly sweet roadside stall tea. The irish have their pubs ,americans their bars and we have our chai party. As we stood discussing weather Modi deserved to rule India or he was just a demon in disguise hungering for power ..I let in a small idea. I thought that the question was not if Modi deserved India ..the question was whether India deserved Modi. ..?
Because of late when I hear debates ..I pay close attention to the conduct of debates. The worst participant I have ever come across over TV is the so called 'hoi polloi' the common man.
This mob bastard has suddenly come of age. Now he knows that it is his time so he pulls in a long breath and berates every man in his way. This guy isn't good enough for me..I want this ..I want that ..this govt is this that etc.

To get a coherent argument out of this bastard's 'common man' is a herculean task even for the most obnoxious delhi trained anchors.
Now my question is this! Does this 'common man' who spits on the road, breaks traffic rules, cheats on his taxes..fondles butts on public transport ..deserve an honest and hardworking leader? Does he have the right to even ask for justice and fairness when his own life is a picture of being bullied or bullying ? Does he have the slightest right to deserve a guy like Modi who has had a tough and fighting life and has made it despite odds?
But then I digress..What makes Modi such a powerful factor?

1. This guy is detached. If you ever hear Modi speak ,it conveys the air of a man who although is committed to his ideals is detached almost with a monk like attitude. His personal belongings are few and he doesnt flaunt it nor hides it. He gives the air of 'nothing effects me '..and seriously this guy has seen a lot of shit..! If he has survived and shone , he is my hero!

2.  Business first. Modi is a god's gift to people who make things happen.
He isnt an anarchist but he knows the loophole that prevents a well meaning Indian from giving his best. He appeals to those who want to 'get the work done'. Point is that people who produce aernt loud people. The prefer to work hard and are concerned with their profession..honestly. These guys would not like loud rhetoric. Modi is not rhetoric..he is work personified.

3. He is an expert at keeping assholes at arms length. Modi has been efficient. He might not have been sweet ,cuddly or cute..but he is efficient. He has a great ability to put loudmouths in place by his actions and words. Which means he forms the much needed wall between those who are shouting on streets about big words like Democracy,secularism etc...and those who are working. That wall is needed because those who are working are incapable of dealing with violent rhetoric.

4. He is no flash in pan.In fact he is a piece of smouldering coal which has kept burning despite all cold water from various quarters. And that is no mean feat.

5. He isnt modest. He is the perfect amalgamation of a good product backed by solid advertising.

6. He is intelligent enough to remain a bachelor ;)

Now we need to ask ourselves..Do we seriously deserve this man?

Saturday, November 15, 2014

The happy porridge!

Someday I think I will write as honestly as I want to. Why someday because somewhere I believe that the meaning and semantics of 'honesty' have got blurred by a strange porridge floating around...

Its now become difficult to pick out the truth from lies. Strangest thing being that sometimes the lier himself/herself has forgotten that he/she is lying. There is no fog of confusion ..its just that there is a group pleasure in keeping eyes closed. Its a juggernut that's surely and slowly moving towards sure braindead scenario.The only sure determination being 'moving around'. 

Not only that, it has somehow discovered the numbing pleasure of being brain dead. A slow juggernaut of porridge pushing its way through caviar and uber food..converting everything into ..well ..porridge. Nameless,faceless,tasteless ..happy porridge. Yeah...that is important. The 'happy' factor. Happy in its namelessness, classlessness, and socialnesses. All the 'nesses' except for the discerness ...

Perhaps someday I will be successfull in tearing down the wall of stupidity and shame and write as honestly as I can without inhibitions. There is nothing that prevents me from doing it..perhaps lack of wisdom..patience :(

Whatever it is ..reach it before the 'Happy Porridge' eats me ;)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Solitude ki maa ki aankh - hampta pass trek

 I prefer solitary treks. I prefer walking alone. That being said I prefer company of likeminded people who do understand that. The hampta-pass trek kind of underlines the fact that no matter how weird you are..there are likeminded weirdos. Starting on a tuesday afternoon where I had to run from office (changing from formals to trek pants and seeing the look on the secretary's face was well an enlightening expierance). That and the worn out backpack in place of the breifcase and trek boots in place of the shiny formals to complete the look...Maannnnn I am expecting some puzzled looks back at office on this tuesday! Metro ride to Civil lines and rendezvous at the corny sounding 'Majnu ka tila'(fucckkk..who keeps a name like that??). Majnu was a legend and here was a 'tila' named after him. Woww!! Its like naming a drain after Ghalib..Ghalib ka naala!! So much for naming hot spots. Pankazzz was waiting along with Gear-ish and a host of eager faces. We board the volvo to Kulu-Manali and I plug in my ipod(ok ok..its a sony walkman). Girish sits next to me and frankly I apprehensively ask many girls? on a trek? I wonder why did you bring them along. Girls are frankly a pain on treks . They talk. And they have the weird habit of spoiling the silence of the moutains. I would have preferred a smaller group and preferably of expieranced guys who know when to shut up and listen to mountains...But such is life and Girish sheepishly assured me that it was a nice group and we will get along all fine. Yeah..I hope ! :( First accident of the night...! Darpan introduces himself and we get to talking about Delhi-Mumbai. Poor guy like me is a mumbai lover and is obviously isnt exactly in love with the 'city of djinns' . Our frustrations take on mind boggling dialectics as poor Girish and the 'delhi gang' cant fathom why are we so angry at Delhi. Although I have made a mental note to start 'liking delhi' ..I guess somethings just dont change. So we argue till we are tired and then like all democratically inclined Indians,go to sleep.

Second accident of the night... It starts raining . And its a selective rain on our Japanese import..Yachna. Clearely it was a Indo-Japanese conspiracy to trouble poor Yachna. On a more prosaic note , the AC ducts were leaking and Yachna madam just happened to be at the wrong place. Like every red blooded Delhi gal..Yachna gave a mouthfull to the driver and then explained to all of clearely and patiently that 'she isnt angry ..she is just setting things right'. We realise that its better to keep quiet and nod our heads rather than getting another sermon in Japanese(or in Punju).I tuck in my head and let the storm pass... Third accident of the night...We stop at a dhaba for dinner. Time for Priyanka madam to give a commentry on the hygiene and food of the michellin star dhaaba. She orders for a 'pheeki' chai. The Dhaaba has never heard of such abominative invention and instead hand her a cuppa of tea which was actually a substitute for kheer/rabdi. Priyanka blows her top. Doesnt have the desired effect on the waiter. So she resigns herself to her faith and sips it in mumbling to herself. Dinner over we huddle into the bus..and ride on. Its a beautiful morning when we wake up for tea at a small restaurant.

          Normal mornings at mountains and its a normal start. Only thing that was funny was the faces of all the team members when they had just woken up. I find it funny that when a man wakes up its not abnormally an event but when women wake up in the morning they all look like they have just come through a storm. Its scary. But I keep my misogynist thoughts to myself.I have realised that freedom of expression aside...these are ideas that can get you killed in this day and age..and I love myself. We stop at Kullu to buy raincoats for some of the guys who had forgotten to buy it. Some guys take this opportunity to stuff themselves with burgers, chowmein and other 'modern food stuff' as they fear that this is their last 'civilised meal' befor the trek. We move into the trekker /sumo and move towards the starting point. The starting point is inside that of a reserve forest so we take permits. Then we get down at the ground zero to have some lunch and start. Tragedy strikes. My green waterbottle is missing. Now, for those who came in late..I love my green water bottle and I feel alone without it on the trek. I slip into severe depression. Wild grey clouds hover till Girish waves me bottle he had found in the bus. I am happy again.

       We start the trek. Dennis and Priyanka are clearely well kitted up with thier swanky walking sticks while some of the newbies are in their stylish Puma gear. Of course some of the more well heeled had bought sun-hats and glares more suited to a day at the race course track than the trek. And it was a sight to see this motely group tentatively begin their walk. Shagun is clearely enjoying the trek and her running commentry and josh is kind of pumping up the group while Pranit and Rakesh are at a loss to understand exactly what is she so excited about. We come across interesting stuff like sheep getting sheared and a lot of amazing streams and rivulets. More interesting were some denizens of nature who were rather mundane when walking on dry land but developed amazing histrionics when it came to crossing small water puddles. Entertainment..pure entertainment. Speaking of entertainment...Salman's soul entered a teammate on the way and suddenly we had to oblige with shirtless hairy armpits related photo events...! Again ...entertainment..entertainment..entertainment.

           Led by Panna our guide we reached 'Balu ka dera' and Darpan/Shagun start a rather philosphical discussion on the correct name ..'Baalu' or 'Bhalu'. Girish is brought out to solve the dead lock but it seems the cause is lost on him as he somehow logicalises that its 'Baalu' because clearely there are no 'Bhalus' in sight. Well we didnt get the 'Bhaalu' side of the story but we are too tired to care. Night falls and we are around the first and only campfire of the trek(no woods after that). A few of the first timers were a bit tired and of course a bit of fever from fatigue ..but they took in an early dinner and retired. Some of the night birds stayed up to chat away the night.That night we discovered the hidden gem of the group..Nishanth. Nishanth was a devotee and a true devotee. If Mahadev had an opening for that post of fav devotee, Nishanth would have made it by a long margin. We feel blessed in his company. Darpan and self get our 'respect-o-meter' out and recalibrate it to match Nishanth's talent. Speaking of talent ... Well..sometime else!! People get hostile !! A small acclimitsation trek to get ourselves fitted up and we are chomping our way through our mess tins..and off to slumberland. Next day morning starts with a challenge ..Finding the right stones. (those who found them will understand). This day trek is a bit tough and we cross two glaciers.

First timers did face some challenges but overcame them beautifully. Especially Yachna and Zeta who surprised us with their amazing 'can-do spirit'. We reach the Hampta Pass in afternoon and face the most anti-climactic moment of the trek. Now Hampta Pass is clearely not the edge of the world but its innocousness is almost self effacing. There are no signboards(aka Rohtang/Khardungla) and its a pass thats almost ashamed of itself. Rakesh lights a is the custom and others eat away (as is the custom). Some photo sessions later the group bunches and then marches to Chatru. Its one of the most boring downhill treks ever. But it gives me ample time to draw/write and dance(I sometimes do that when I am alone and there is no one around)..its a beautiful feeling to sing out aloud in the wilderness..and I imagine myself to be Elvis/Rafi and Roger walters all rolled into one. Fortunately no one is there is to take note of my hidden talents ;)

      We camp at Chatru and lets say we had a good time. Period. Next day we catch the bus to Chandrataal. Hero of the day is my FOLDER 10 of music player which alternatively irritates and entertains the team mates on their way. Chamdrataal is the smaller brother(or sister) of Pangong Tsao Lake but is more beautiful because 'Delhiwllas' seems to have missed it on their marauding ways. Amazing colours and space. I wanted to be there for atleast a day. But time was short and we utilised it for a Kingfisher Male model shoot. The pictures were a hit but after sometime the moral police and cold butted in and we had wrap it up and returned to the camp. That night was the best night of the trek. Yes it was. Thanks to Shagun,Nishant, Darpan, Girish and Wakil..and well..the 'OH' group. I guess I wont forget the night for a long time. Next day we tied up and rode the way back to civilisation. My takeaway: Solitude ki maa ki aankh. Enjoy !

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The anti social

Today I met a freind who had come in to the city for some work. As we sat down to dinner and started talking about treks etc...he cleared his throat and said 'I got to discuss something I have been hearing about you' ..

Now, when I hear this kind of throat clearing I know something is wrong but hey he was afreind and how wrong could it be. ..? Between mouthful of chicken swarma I asked him ..Yeah?

'It seems lots of people saying that you do not respond to calls do not attend socials and in someway you have turned into an 'anti social'...Has it got something to do with 'matrimonial problems'?

Now ..I almost laughed..infact almost choked on my swarama..!

I told him...' You called me? ' Did I refuse? Infact I drove 23 Kms to just meet you! In what way do you think I am anti social.

He said..well been hearing alot so i thought I would ask you if its something thats true.

Here is a gist of what I told him..

Yeah! I am an antisocial to lots of people ....I dont feel like investing my time in people I think are a drain on intellectual resources. I have limited time on earth and I want to invest that time in me. My capacity for pampering fools is not much and I draw on it limitedly. Why? because its not worth it.

If a person cant enrich me in his/her conversation why should I talk to him/her? Why should I socialise with a group that gossips and talks about people rather than ideas? Of what use is such a conversation to me?
I dont take out time for so called 'freinds' because I have better things to do..!I would rather study programming or do a sketch than drink and bitch about how bad the world is...

I dont agree that that the world is a sad place so why should I feel compelled socially to agree with those who think it is..? I cant talk about diapers and wifey joes because..well..I dont have either issues. So what do I talk about!

I have in my life felt moments of pure bliss and joy which have brought tears of joy to my eyes. Being loved by a dog, kissed by a baby or on top of a peak which I have climbed. These are joys that I like ruminating over. The joy of finally capturing 'light' in my sketches..or the joy of plotting complex numbers in matlab..I dont want to make anyone privy to them...Atleast those who are far away from understanding the import and worth of such pleasures..! How long can I talk about my bad boss..bad system and stupid political generality?

So , I stay away and spend my time better. I am selfish in the way that I dont like mixing with ugly people. Whose thoughts will disturb my mental peace and try to make me feel guilty. I dislike the power of negativity of such people.

So I stay away..Its better that way.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Why Draw

Now there was a group where we had to tell our names and explain as to why we paint/draw!

I got up ..told my name and as to the question 'why do I draw'? I went blank. All I could give was a nervous and a real amused laugh! Nervous because I was blank and amused because of the answers I had heard before 'I am passionate about drawing'..'I like design'..I want to draw because I am preparing for NIFT/NID entrance etc etc..And I really couldnt think of any smarter answer...

I thought while was standing and I really thought..Passionate? Naah... Design ? Naaah...Love drawing ? Naah...

Why do I draw?

I could give a million answers and they all would be wrong. I really cant put a finger on why I draw..!
But I do draw obsessively..

 I draw on my organiser..I draw on newspaper...I draw on office post it notes..When I see a figure I am subconciously looking at the veins and muscles fold and thinking how to get the 'stretch' feeling on paper. I look at a begger and start having a high contrast visions of his wrinkled face...

I draw ..well..not because I want to ..I draw because I cant stop.
Like its with writing I guess..

No really. There is really no hocus pocus to it...Frankly I feel drawing kind of detoxifies me. It gives me a period of immense meditation for atleast 10 mins (yeah thats the most i spend on any drawing)..It makes me feel light..infact when I draw I sometimes forget everything outside..Only light and shadows remain...

So let me put it this way..

I draw because words aernt enough..Period.

Monday, July 28, 2014

The requiem for a dream -Redux


Before you picture me as a doppleganger under a bridge snorting heroin(thats what they snort..rite..?or Cocaine ..whatever) I must confess that writing this was a bit of leap of faith. Why?

Because when I started this blog I started it with an aim to be honest in my writing. I cant write fiction ..nor do I want to...(Infact I wrote a fictional piece about two tortoises who save a raft of shipwrecked men,and finally get eaten by them..It was so bloody depressing that I decided never to write fiction again )..
 So the only option left was to write about what exactly I felt. Because somehow I have a strong faith that art(writing, poetry, painting) touch the world only when they are honest. Actually I am not bothered with 'touching' the world...too much. They can touch them,selves for all I care ...I am only bothered that I should be honest about what I write. If I think Sushi is crap..well its crap. I cant write anything otherwise..!It will be a fake set of words and wouldn't make me happy..

Coming back..I thought a lot because writing about addiction meant that I would be exposing a part of my life that isnt known very publically ..So here goes..

Smoking !

Now I was never a smoker in the true sense of the word. I was the 'occasional puffer' . I took a fag after a drink. Maybe from a freind who was smoking or on a borrowed ciggie... But around two years ago I bought my first giggie pack ..! and that was it. I was 'into' it ..
I never admitted to anyone that I did smoke, after all one or two sticks a day or once or twice in 2-3 days wasnt addiction..Or so I thought.

The problem was that I thought there was no problem. I cycled. ..trekked..swam with equal vigour and life had no issues as far as smoking was considered. I wasnt smoking the big league plus it made me pass my time when I was painting or writing..I tried to leave it once but then thought ..what the heck ..its ok to continue..!I wasnt a smoker..

The problem was still not there when I came to Delhi. I was still trekking and trekking better than people 10 years younger.There problem..

Sometime in June 14..I saw a film that I had seen many times earlier. It was called 'Requeim for a dream' . The film is supoosedly about 'addiction'. Pure and simple addiction where the effect of addiction is same it drugs or weight loss. This was afilm I had seen earlier but taken in the context it rammed home the point that I had a fight on my hands...

And then I thought. Is it an addiction that I was in denial about? If I 'need'  it..its an addiction.
The more I thought about it the angrier I got. Was I addicted to cigarettes? It was such an embarrassing thought that I was repulsed more by the thought than by the fact that I was a smoker.Me ? Addicted ..? Shit..!I felt so much like a loser...

 I am a believer of this theory:There is no onetime  ransom pay once keep paying ransom.  Which means that if something holds you hostage you can set yourself free only by denying that by which you are held hostage. For example if you feel you are being held hostage by 'French fries' ..its only by completely convincing yourself to cut off French fries is that by which you can be 'free'. There are no half measures. Especially in any kind of ..emotion.

Which is to say I dumped the habit. On 01 Jul 14 .....

I expected drastic 'withdrawal symptoms'(did check on the net.). I expected me to kind of get those high intensity cravings etc etc..What happened was ..well Anti-Climactic.

Sure ,I did get cravings , triggers for a puff (especially during tea breaks..or after dinner). These things are very very alluring for the first few days . Infact I did steal in a ciggie (rather a puff) on the third day. It was surprising as to how bad it tasted . I guess thats the power of the mind..Or its just that I wasnt really a hard core Marlboro Man.

Now its almost been a month since I gave up and from what I read is that the worst part of craving is over. I didnt feel any so called 'withdrawal' symptoms..perhaps because I wasnt really a dedicated 'smoker'. In fact the only side effect I had was that my apetite went shooting up..and yeah the food tasted better.

But the reason I wrote this piece was not because of the experience of quitting. It was the experience of winning a small battle in my mind that has kind of effused me. The fact that you can defeat yourself is at some point of life very gratifying.

Its somewhat like those last few pedal strokes on an uphill climb where there is this constant battle in your mind. A battle where on one side there is a comfy van with cool water ..and the other side is a WIN. The issue is that you win this ALONE. This is a victory of your mind over your body.
Its a victory we experience so fully that its indescribable. Its a victory which you wear silently and proudly..or maybe write a blog about ;)

PS: The whole anti climax is that since I wasnt a Bona fide Smoker, Most people in my vicinity instead of prodding me on ...Ask me that stupid question ..'I didnt know u smoked ' :(

Saturday, April 19, 2014


. “Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn’t feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That’s my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.” – Jennifer Salaiz

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

bad ideas

Delhi has been an eyeopener in more ways than one. I had come to Delhi four monthes back nursing a deep prejudice to this city . And as I audit my life in these few days in the National Capital I have come across a awful lot of truths and realisations which I wouldnt have had if I hadnt come face to face with this city and people. Infact when I look back at my life ..lots of things have a 'delhi' perspective. The kind of idea that there exists an attitude that is at the same time highly practical and insanely stupid ..that there exists a kind of idea that is not only self destructive but highly plleasuble and at the same time self destructive. Its something that one realises that threre is a city where people not only believe such ideas but live and die by them..however innimical they are.
Now imagine the psychological paradox  of living in a city whose central idea conflicts with everything beautiful and constructive. That is not a feat that one should be proud of..thats a punishment that one should get rid of. One cannot be proud of surviving in should ask a question as to why is he living in dirt? Is it glorious to 'survive' an avoidable atmosphere? Is it constructive to wallow in dirt? Is it a great feat of philosophy to accept dirt? I dont think so. I think its a great feat to realise that the dirt is not doing anything great to you emotionally or physically. Its just making you dirtier.
Do you want to play these games where the winner also ends up as a loser? Do you want to keep playing these games?
Delhi is a place where the empirical proof of the idea derides my idea of what life it should be lived. Its a place where the pressure to play games comes down to survival. Survival is okay in man vs Wild but to fight for survival in a metro is to waste time in advancing oneself. If you are constantly fighting and playing games ..your mind is too occupied to invest itself in growing positively. I think in a civilised town there should be a 'fight' vs 'enrichment' curve. The fight should not be the sole purpose of ypur existence. Delhi has taught me that there are people for whom the 'fight' is enjoyable and enriching. Its not something i attest but I guess I dont stand a chance.
One should always bang his ideas against reality to check where does one stand. I must thank Delhi for fast forwarding this empirical process. Its a painful but important lesson. I dont want to become the fighter. I want to walk away because this is a bad game.
I thank Delhi for making me realise how lonely one can become. In my 33 years of existence I have never felt as isolated and left out as i felt in this place. Its not physical loneliness..its being mentally lonely in a mirage of ideas. Its like being the sole vegeteranian in a cannibalistic tribe. Its not difficult to be a cannibal..but I see the entire futility of being one. Its not sustainable and you end up killing each other. Even if you lose another human being.Maybe a freind ..maybe a freindship.
And I have lost a lot in these four monthes. I have lost respect for basic life. I have lost trust and I have lost the basic zest for life. I have lost the idea that people want to be fundamentally happy. I have lost the idea of loving.Its not that I havent tried to fight this loss ..god knows that I have fought with all I have. But at this point I have realised its 'flight' time rather than fight time.
Its a loss thats not permanent but if left to its own it can become gangrene. You can fight with others but you cant be in continual fight with yourself. You cant really question yourself and your morals and ethics everyday. Its a fight where even a winner loses himself.
Its time to draw up the tables and see where you stand. Do you want to stand where you are standing? Have your ideas been validated? What have you won and what have you lost? Does it make sense fighting with people who are not afraid of losing themselves? Do you have a chance of winning a game where you have your intellect and emotion to lose for gaining what? A Parking space?
I must thank Delhi for showing me that its futile to fight such a fight. Its possible that its just not worth it. I am thankful I came to this place and I realised the truth of my ideas.
I realised that even the best of ideas fail when linked to bad people. You cant build a temple ..however great the plan ..with weak bricks. So what do you do? You take your ideas and build at another place where the bricks satisfy your criterea. Its no good trying to change the plan to suit the brick. Especially when the pilot project has failed miserably due to bad bricks. Its a painful process to accept that while your ideas may be fundamentally true... the subject of test against which you implement them is as important. If you have an idea that there are stars and you cant see them..its not that your idea is wrong always..its just that the telescope's glass is bad quality. You should realise that good ideas require good material. Rather ,provabilty of idea depends as much on the men and material as the idea itself. To doggedly test your ideas against bad material...Its just not worth your time or sometimes you are disgusted enough even to keep up the charade.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

We the assholes

While we cant build institutions or personas..we are adept at pulling down institutions and characters. No one is good enough for us it seems. We as a people are the most lawbreaking citizens of the world yet we want a saint as our leader..we cannot run a single household yet want a person who can manage fiscal deficiet,distribute free food and also play the tabla? More than the Aam Aadmi..I think its the political leaders who should be entitled to a good populace in a democratic setup. Seriously, if anything I am more ashamed of the Indian Population rather than its leaders. Loose talkers and shallow assholes can never produce a great leader. In case he is produced by chance..we will drag him down! Gandhi gave us a central motive and was instrumental in giving us freedom but no ..he was a sexual pervert! Nehru gave us democratic legacy..but oh no ! he was a flirt! JP wasnt good enough! Indira Gandhi led us through one of the worst wars,but hell no..she was a bitch...!! Patel united india's federal structure but hey he was an autocrat. Manmohan Singh may be ridiculed but he did save our economy in needs of crises. Vajpayee led the highway and river unification plan..but hey he was a drunkard! Modi might have made a state jump to advanced standard of living but he is communal. I guess we need a guy who can do no wrong..sadly that guy usually doesnt do anything hence nothing will go wrong! I hope we chose that 'no-wrong' guy... this kind of society needs that kind of guy to pander to everyone..please everyone..forgive everyone and usually let everyone pull in whatver direction. How can we ever forgive anyone who tells us that we may be wrong? Insult ..Insult!! Ghor apmaan for the mango people. Here go lick a lolipop and be happy!!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Circle

I had met a few class mates and as we got to talking they started pulling my leg regarding me being my maths teachers pet. It was true and I was smiling away. Frankly I enjoyed her attention and she did encourage me a lot and was one of the biggest influences in my life in loving maths and science. I was pretty proud of the fact that my Physics miss(yeah we used to call our teachers 'miss' ..even if she was a lady with four kids ;)) and English sir found me one of those kids who had real interest in these subjects.
But personal ego aside I was troubled by one of the statements these schoolmates had made. 'Piyush I still remember the silly questions you used to ask..I mean who asks 'why a circle is called a circle' '
Well first of all I never asked THAT question. I had asked 'How do u know that a figure is a circle?'.Secondly I never got an answer.
Let me elaborate that question.
If you see a big figure like a circle how do u know that it has a circumference which is equidistance from the centre. The answer would be simple find its centre and then its done. But but do you find a centre? THAT was my question.
I finally found that answer.

Its simple . Use a ruler and draw lines cutting the figure. Find the biggest line that is possible and cut it into two. That will give you the centre and then if all points on the border are equidistant then it IS a circle.
But but but..there is a catch to this method.
How do you find the biggest line? Because there is a chance that you will miss out the biggest line however fine the lines you draw as the area can be covered by an infinite number of lines and there is a chance that you might miss out the biggest line..however large the number you draw !

There is always an element of doubt!Its not that Simple

Sunday, April 6, 2014


You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis.
A parenthesis it is.

A parenthesis shouldn't try to be anything but one. Neither a full stop ..neither a blank space ..and never an underscore. It destroys the balance of things. A parenthesis should act like one. Delusions can be costly and painful. Ambitions matter little and so does desires and expectations. To do so would be counter productive. And a demand for the same could be turned down at will. Worse still it may be turned into an article. It might be asked as to if not a parenthesis what it would want to be? 
But frankly isn't it stupid for the parenthesis to demand it. A parenthesis is expendable..the sent hence isn't. 
It must accept the pays and perks of being a parenthesis and move on. Different sentence same function. Only it should remember that the sentence owes it nothing. That's the agreement made at the start of the paragraph. And that's how it shall remain. A parenthesis!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The tale of Panwali Kantha Trek

Six guys ,one long bus trip to Guttu and a late start to the trek is not really the most auspicious start to a trek thats expected to trod some heavy snow! But then with a homogenous group there is no issue with lack of motivation.

We were already late when we started from Guttu (almost 5 hrs from Rishikesh..thanks to mother nature screwing up en route roads. And thanks to the clear weather and a balmy breeze, we were up and bright. Our cook (hired from the village) who was moonlighting as a cook as the business of his shop could wait was full of evergy and frankly a little preppy. Our guide, Sajjan Singh, was a rather loud but honest to goodness all-in-one who had the choicest of words to motivate the porters (even in the early hours of the start) .
As we walked we were given a breif route detail by Sajjan and although all of us were eager to glimpse the peak..we realised it was way too off.
A small iron bridge along with some pretty ladies loitering around and smiling at us, city jokers ..well kind of cheered us up.Calling for a pit stop to fill fresh spring water, sajjan, attempted some small talk. Manish was an avid trekker, Ritvij was a pro, Ankit had done treks while Bittoo and Rajat were newbies. Self was not an old hand at trekking..just an old hand.
Small talk wasnt happening because frankly we knew each other in pairs, I knew Ankit, Ankit knew Bittoo, Manish knew rajat and Ritvij knew Ankit. And Sajjan Singh was attempting to know everybody.
The first days walk is always very optimistic even when there is a slight gradual climb into the unknown but the small diversions on the way kept us even more charmed. Eating the Burunsh flowers on the way and trying to test the load of the firewood/cut grass which the women folk were carrying back (trust me guys...those loads were above 50 kgs and these ladies were walking back without so much as a care). Frankly I almost saluted those hardworking ladies. (wait..I did salute them).
As we kept walking, I realised that our pace was pretty slow and with the evening coming in fast we will reach Ghaurmanda late. But then the team picked up speed with the last stretch and we just made it to the camp site as dusk closed in.
There were two shephard houses but while we made one of them a kitchen tent, we decided to camp a bit away ourselves. Tents unfolded and we saw some patches of snow and after the body had cooled down we did feel a chill.
A campfire warmed up the conversations while we actually got to know each other better ..all of us concluding that its nice to have a uniform group rather than too much of difference as that might have created problems in pacing.

Camping enroute

Next day we broke early and began the real trek. After almost two hours of walking we first came across some nice snow. And since all of us generally had the idea that we would be encountering was not a great surprise. What was the 'great surprise' was that the depth kept on increasing exponentially. It was an effort to move even one kilometre in that kind of snow.
Our very own Sajjan Singh was almost taken aback by the snow and was slightly apprehensive if the group could make it through. In fact in the second pit stop right in the middle of a snowscape he was invariably searching for an answer from atleast one of us to advance the base so as to make the climb early tomorrow. But kudos to the group that none of us ever gave an inkling that we were uncomfortable.
We marched on in almost 4-6 feet snow.

Chalte raho..beta

It was an experience which reminded me of my failed attempt at Stok. I was glad that atleast there was no altitude or sub zero temp here. It was actually not that uncomfortable if you get used to walking like you are jumping from one ditch to another. Infact crossing the ridges at around 1600 hrs we could feel safer as the snow provided the much needed anchor. As we neared the Panwali Kantha ridge , we could see the small temple on top.
Now ,its said that seeing your destination makes goal easier, Bull shit. One thing I have learnt that while trekking never ever look at the mountain top. Like a fresher in college , keep your eyes in front of your step and keep walking. So we kept walking.
The last ridge we had to cross had deep snow followed by a bald patch ..followed by a steep climb. We (which means I) were not really tired but kind of exhausted by all that snow. Seeing the peak so near we almost recharged ourselves and almost made a dash.
Uneventfull climb ..except for a slippery patch ..and then it was HEAVEN...

From the peak the panorama of lower himalayas unfolded in the golden sun..and frankly I sat there for sometime and hapiness burst into me. I guess this is the 'kick' of a trek. To call it beautiful is stupid. Its an experience that stays with you and pulls you back..! A couple of Facebook updates later(kidding ;)).. we almost rolled down to the base village Panwali(as of now abandoned). 
We camped at these abandoned houses

As we reach the settlement , we find that Sajjan Singh ji has got keys to the houses. When its opened we find that we are blessed. The room has a wooden platform(no sleeping on snow/ground) and is fairly insulated.
We collect some wood(actually our porters turned out to be great in this regards) and start a fire in another under construction house. Almost walking entire day in thick snow had turned our lower body into icicles and we revelled in the smokey fire. Wet socks and shoes were jostling for action while we kind of drifted into the joyous mood of celebrating this small climb...
Pakoras did soup . And so did Bakar(for all the non-hindi speaking Indians,Bakar has no english equivalent. Its a mixture of small-talk and totally stupid blabberings) . Sajjan Singh was the hero of the talk..especially his calculation of the weight of ration we have eaten. Soon our stomach and Sajjan both growled for dinner.We went obediently into the kitchen house..
As we poured some warm dal , sabzi and fresh rotis into our canteens...

(This film is based on fictional characters ..any resemblence to any person living or dead is purely coincindental. No animals were harmed during its filming)
Well lets say something happened. We will leave it at that. The incident led to imaginary loss of two toes by Ankit, a temporary memory loss for Rajat, a stuntman casting for Bitoo and me wondering what the shit happened! Ritvij..??well where the fuck was he?
Suffice here to say that almost two weeks after that incindent we ,all six of us have fond memories and in another two months given the PR skills of will be the stuff of legends. People after us will scarcely believe that so many will owe so much to so few for an amusing tale on Panwali Kantha..(apologies to Churchill for screwing up his quote about RAF)

And so ended the night.

The next day started with a hunt to find a dump. (for those who are smiling..please try putting your bums into a refrigirator) . Which thankfully all of us did . Had the awesomest cofee ever and started off on the small climb over the peak and back to ghaurmanda.

Low rolling plains but the same old nemesis ..snow! Frankly , more than exhausted I was getting bugged and bored. But a man's got to do what he got to do. We kept trudging back and somehow as it always happens the return route seemed so much longer to Ghaurmanda.But we did reach in time..
It was like return to our hotel rooms. Tents got pitched by magic.The stones around the fire got arranged by magic and tea appeared again by..magic.
We saw the sunset from Ghaurmanda(poor Manish had been cribbing about that sunset since we had reached ghaurmanda late the first day). Animated discussions followed late and we retired..

Campfire..wet feet..cheery faces
Next day a crisp breakfast and we were out to reach Guttu.But not before a prefunctory HOLI puja by our porters that warmed our hearts. Ankit and Bitto decided en route that they were in no position to face the charming ladies of Guttu in such unhygenic conditions(no bath for three days) and hence decided on a holy dip. Me and Ritvij were separated while Manish was nursing a watering eye(snow reflection in eyes) led by Rajat reached Guttu in afternoon. Only to find a self declared holiday.
A long ride back to Rishikesh followed by a great dinner. And we were on a bus to Delhi....
So ended our tale of Panwali Kantha...

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

same scene in dry pastels

watercolor- tribute to Seargant

Charcoal Sketch

I am trying to understand something called Values in Sketching. I think its the holy grail of any media painting. Once you get values doesnt matter what media/color you use. So just concentrate on values..Fuck the media !!

Monday, March 31, 2014


Just needed to free my hand . This is almost 70% of actual photo. Somewhere I fucked up the most imp element of potrait..eyes. My Charcoal pencil was too brittle..the paper couldnt hold charcoal details (all the included excuses to hide the lack of my expertise) . But what the hell..I felt good and OK OK will PRACTICE drawing . Heard you !!


Thanks to Will for introducing me to acryllics ..dude! you rock!!

his website is

Sunday, March 30, 2014


Thanks to Will Kemps..

This just wont keep quiet..

I have a problem.Its the mind. Its so vocal that sometimes I wish it would just keep quiet instead. Frankly sometimes I think it owns me rather than the other around. And I am not being cutesy here. Its like being a bug on the wagging end of a dog's tail(dont get me started on the tail wagging the dog). When its in mood , the mind doesnt talk to screams. It gets bugging to keep hearing to it. And this is more so when it feels the need to speak on everything. I tried convincing it that you do not HAVE to form an opinion on everything. Just accept somethings,buddy. But NO, sirji has made it clear that it JUST WONT. So, I am stuck with its booming voice and stubbornness. I have to get up at 3 AM because it wants to speak to me. And the monlogue lasts hours ...My day is screwed. It demands attention 24/7 so I cant even ogle at some random hotchick on the road. Nope..that luxury has been lost long time back. I cant look at a scenery without it 'composing' it. Sometimes I just want to be a normal average guy who loves his 'dal chawal' and maa ka pyaar..!I want to look at a porn film without it telling me that the lighting is all wrong! Yeah it does that..!I am on a street and instead of the shops all I see is that this street doesnt have a storm drain and that it would be covered in shit in rains! I want to be 'NORMAL'and all that! But hell no, its not my luxury,my mind wont take it. It has to be super -opinioted about every shitty thing.
The only way to block it out is either to paint or write or read but these are so temporary respites that I wonder how will I continue to live with it for the entire life. :(
I would have left it at that if it was just in my head...but issue is that it fucks me around physically. You see ,it HAS to move. So I am left with wandering all around mountains and cities to cater to its whims. And point is that there is no option to reason with it.It just WANTs. I try telling it..boss, 'next time, this is going to be a bit tight' but doesnt work. It just doesnt work.
And with people..its the worst. There is a basic decency and politeness and respect for people. You sometimes have to talk to people even if you are not terribly in love with them. But not my mind. It has a very clear cut policy..'I dont like fuck u'..which means that I am on wrong terms with some pretty 'hot-shots' . I want to keep a straight face while talking to these (sometimes pompous) bastards..but how can you ,when your mind is rolling on the floor laughing.
I want to be nice and gentle with my close kins..but mr.Mind has never heard of this word 'kindness' and doesnt extend it to close ones. Frankly I dont understand. Because its contradictory. This one day I was travelling to Abu from Mumbai and en-route on a bus stop a very old man was sleeping on a rag ! I looked at him and poor guy was shivering. I took a look and turned back thinking of it as a normal thing in this shitty country. But Mr Mind had other plans. It didnt turn back..It ordered me to give my Jacket to cover him. I was like ' you are out of your ..well..mind?' its a Woodland ka Jacket. But no ...! Mr Mind would have had none of it. So I basically had to wake this old man ..gave him the Jacket (and 400 bucks..leaving 100 for me) grudgingly. All the while cursing Mr Mind.Its not nice to lose a good Woodlands Jacket to a stupid old man :(
Frankly I really am at a loss as to the fact that why I have been cursed with such an asshole. I have to keep it feeding ideas to keep it quiet. I have to pamper its every wish and most of the time what it gives me back is loud thoughts and opinioated advice. Its a loss-loss equation for me.
But I guess somewhere deep down I know I need it more than it does. And maybe Mr Mind knows it too :(
Which means I am ROYALLY SCREWED!! 

Monday, March 24, 2014

some recent works


The trek to Nagtibba is a generic easy trek if weather favours you and a slightly ardous one if you are not in favour with weather gods. That being said, a motely group of 15 started with all the right intentions from Delhi ISBT towards Dehradun at 11’O clock (night). An ice breaker stop at the BIKANO followed by a early morning tempo trip to Pantwadi saw us welcome the Saturday morning chill.
The walk from Pantwadi is a gradual climb and an easy one but with first timers it’s a slightly awkward experience as they start getting used to tightening back straps and the frequent need to sip gulps of water( of course due to dryness and the sun). We started a bit late ie around 1100 so the ‘lunch break’ was more of a snack pitstop with some rice pulao and dahi.
It took us almost 5 hours to reach the camping ground undulating slope with the right angle so as to afford maximum open space without the wind chill factor.

Since most of the beginners were tired , it was an effort to pitch in the tents and make the camping grounds ready. However this was followed by a rewarding plate of piping hot pakoras and tea. As the group intermingled, the sky played host to changing weather patterns which was a uninterrupted show of myriad colors. Settling down around a quickly assembled campfire , soon the dinner was ready. Hunger mixed with tiredness gave a welcome taste to the chicken and paneer dishes that our cook Raju churned out. Water was a luxury ..and more so warm water,but nevertheless a learning expierance for all the first timers. Ankit Punia was the star of the campfire night with Aman pitching in with oneliners and the ever careful Pankaj keeping a watchful eye while regulating the routine with clockwork precision. Soon fatigue overtook us and we slipped into the cosy sleeping bags with a prayer that weather gods should continue to smile on us.
Day three started with a crispy albeit warm sun . A few bites of breakfast with great tea and we were ready to braeak camp to move towards the Nag temple followed by a onward climb. We encountered snow real early on and decided that we cant camp high up. So the porters had to be sent back to the original camping ground but not before we were presented with warm dalia for lunch. We started the climb towards Nagtibba at approximately 2 o clock(a bit late by our calculations.

Within 4PM we were in sighting distance of the peak. However the snow depth was increasing by every feet and light was beginning to fade. Around 100 meters from the peak , we had to take a call as to either continue with the climb and risk a late return or return back safely in time.
Pankaj came to our rescue with a brilliant brain wave that we should cover as much peak distance as possible till 4:30 and return back dot at 430 from wherever we have reached. Pushing on with his josh he was all around pumping in the already tired junta. And as on cue , the entire team was filled with a wild desire to reach the top. Ploughing through more than three feets of snow, the first of the guys reached well within 430 with the rear being brought up within ten minutes.This was followed by jubiliation and cheering and lots of hugging(as if we were on Everest itself). It was a team effort and somehow the team came real close at that precise moment.
A few minutes at the top was followed by a quick descent to our base camp. All along thanking the rain gods for not paying us a visit.
At the camp…warm soup awaited us as the team changed the already wet gear and freshened up. A campfire was waiting for us and the tents were already in place. A welcome sight for the weary team.
An animated campfire which included some pretty philosophical gyaan continued through out the night. The next day morning we marched down to Pantwadi followed by a dinner at Moti Mahal restaurant.. sponsored by Pankaj.With our bellies full and tired yet happy bodies, we boarded the busto ISBT Delhi.
A great trek to start the trekking season, which was elevated to a happy gathering thanks in no small part to Pankaj,Aman and Ankit.Till we meet again…!!

prevention of hurt

If one is hurt should enquire as to why is he hurt? If he is hurt because of himself ..he should reconcile not to repeat it. If he thinks he is hurt because of someone else..then even its his fault. Because its he who has bestowed the right to hurt on him/her. To blame someone for your hurt is the easiest and the most erroneous thing to do. The only way to prevent is not to fight or reason with someone who has hurt you. It will only increase your dependence and multiply your chances of getting hurt again..! The best thing one can do is slowly but surely withdraw the right to hurt. Its the only logical thing to do. Its painful and not without its pit falls but its way more better than handing the hammer again to the vandaliser. If at all one chance to hurt is a mistake ..the second chance is availed only on the consent of the victim. Its better to immune oneself to hurt than to get hurt ..which basically a waste of time and not really worth the person hurting you. Its very simple...a person who hurts you repeatedly is of no value whatsoever in your life.its gangrene which must be cut away and thrown.however painful . Reasoning with gangrene is only giving it time to destroy you more. A surgical cut ..however painful saves your life and heart. In time everyone heals..but why go through repeateted masochism? ;)

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The burning pan

The hot pan on fire..
Hot with the fire below..
Hot with the fire within..
Drops of water wont do..
drops that roll off the hot surface..
No they just wont do..

A cool breeze wont do..
it will never do..

Burning in its own heat..
seething turning and turning to charcoal..
The fire wont stop..
Its happy its burning..
Its the pan thats getting burnt..
Its the pan that feels the burn..

I am sorry

I am sorry for a lot of things . I am not sorry to something..I am just sorry for myself. And I guess I owe myself an apology..
 I am sorry that I can't lie. Rather..I won't lie. Because I see no long term value in demeaning yourself in long term. I am sorry I believe in honesty for honesty sake. I am sorry I think beyond the obvious time and place. I am sorry I can't close my eyes and bow down to bullies. I am sorry I don't respect ranks and I respect minds. I am sorry I believe in lovemaking and not 'fucking'. I am sorry I get aroused as much by intellect as by shapely boobs. I am sorry I respect simplicity. I am sorry I don't hold traditions in awe. I am sorry I can't believe just because ' u say so' . I am sorry I don't think love means dependance. I am sorry I love being in love. I am sorry I can skip lunch for looking at a painting . I am sorry I get disgusted by ugly people.I am sorry I expect a system to work. I am sorry I don't see fun in harassing or cheating people. I am sorry I don't see the fun factor in pinching the bum of the girl. I am sorry I respect women.I am sorry I really dont think being unhygenic is Macho. I am sorry that I am not trying to be agreeble..
I am sorry I like stones,monuments and spaces more than living things. I am sorry I like Carl Sagan and Feynman more than Dan Brown. I am sorry I am crazy about sci-non-fiction. I am sorry I dont like garbage and am willing to do my part. I am sorry I get up to offer seats to women. I am sorry I regret offering seats to women. I am sorry I dont like loud noises, loud people ,loudness however 'well meaning' they may be. I am sorry I dont like marriages,I am sorry that I think most 'marriages' are deals of convinience. I am sorry I have lost trust in men/women (esp Indian) . I am sorry I dont like scribblings on walls of temples.I am sorry I dont like pissing on the wall. I am sorry I am not a fan of cosmetic beauty. I am sorry I love philosophy.
I am sorry I like quality and am willing to pay for it. I am sorry I cant smile if I dont feel like.
I am just so sorry to be thinking . Hope I will be forgiven..

Friday, March 21, 2014

Why do I trek?

I have been trekking for close to 10 years now. Earlier I used to trek with close coursemates and now that they have been married off..I do it with a few known acquaintainces. Recently I concluded two treks with the Bikat Adventures group...!
After the Panwali Kantha trek ..I was on way back and in the bus I couldnt get sleep. My mind on its own started searching for a reason I go on treks so passionately! I was getting a lot of answers that I thought I should write down because I feel if one can put down his thoughts on paper(in this case ,keyboard) he becomes more coherent to himself.
I trek because I at the core of my self want to be at peace. Yes, I trek to get to that zone of peace where my thoughts rebound in my head and my body breaks down with pain. There are treks (esp the Ladakhi treks) where I am almost in tears in pain while at the same time stupidly happy. I guess there is a hidden masochist in me . The level of 'shanti' (peace isnt a very apt word for 'shaanti' ..more apt is 'to be at peace') I achieve walking alone and fighting the next step in my head. That is why I prefer walking alone and not to talk ..I am struggling with my thoughts, my stories, my peace. It sounds rude to my fellow travellers(sorry for that) but I dont want company. At most I plug in my ipod and hear the latest sufiyana song...It some how calms me.

I trek because I get the feeling of being in love. yes, strange though it may sound,I feel I am in love while trekking. Not the narrow romantic definition of boy-girl love ..but the much bigger and vaster feeling of being in love ..just being in love. I look around and see trees, skies,clouds..and somehow I feel loved. I feel non-judgemental,free and happy. I love a particular tree..I love it as much I would love any girl.And somehow I feel that the tree loves me back. without judgement..without asking anything(promise, I m not on dope here). I say it goodbye and somehow feel it waving me bye. The skies will love you , no matter what..even if they are full of rain and snow. And I feel the love of every pebble ..every rock on the path.

I trek because I feel free. free of stupidities, pettiness, anger and games. I feel strangely liberated. I am sweaty,dirty, smelly and tired. But at the same time I feel cleansed. Call it absolution call it anything,I just feel free..

Some treks I get a feeling that why did I pay for getting so fucked? But once the pain is over , it remains etched into my mind as a happy memory. I guess I trek to create memories. Memories which is the only thing permanent in this world(alzhiemers not withstanding). The memories which cant be created sitting cozy in a bar. These are the ones which require your sweat. Perhaps because they are sweaty memories..they are for me much truer memories.

Someone once said , that everyone who treks/climbs has a story going on in his head. I guess thats true. We relive our stories and I do it on treks. Bad stories, good ones..happy stories, a sad email ..a smell here ..maybe a song there. They all come flooding back and somehow you are so filled that you just stare ahead and walk on.
Sometimes the bearing of being is too much to bear for me. Sometimes I am too fed up of stupid people playing a zero sum stupid game. Petty egos ..fragile vanities to be massaged. I trek to escape this mentally. I trek because somehow when you are with nature you find a partner in the winds..skies and snow..who nod their head and tell you...' we understand the pettiness of all this drama..remember we have been here forever ;)'... just walk on.
I trek because past is past and walking on is progress,growth and creativity. Trekking is like a fire where I burn out some bad past to make fire for a brighter present. Its slightly painful but its better then letting the fire burn you...
I trek to forget. I trek to remember..! I trek because drugs are illegal...! I trek because at some level its an escape into a truer...more intelligent eco system..

Yeah ...More than anything I guess I trek because I am an escapist. I want to be alone. with my thoughts with my ideas..I am not a 'sharer'..I guess I trek because I am gloriously selfish !! :)
Ice cream---you scream

The trouble with truth...

The trouble with truth..
Is the bags it tears..
The trouble with truth ..
is not the truth..but the fears..
The trouble with truth ..
is not that it must be spoken..
the trouble is that it cant be shut..
the trouble is not that ..
It cant be ignored..
the real trouble is that..
it cant be avoided..

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Dont know!!:(

The last few days following the weekend have been very restless for me. Mentally I have been churning around and trying to get something ‘out’. The issue is not so much of framing as to the issue of ‘what’ is to be framed? My thoughts have been incoherent and often self contradictory. I haven’t ever faced this crisis of mental coherence since a long time. I haven’t grappled with myself very many times.. I am pretty much love in what I think..most of the time. But this time ..I have been cutting circles in air. Brownian motion..thats something I am never mentally in love with…but that’s what precisely defines a state I am in….
I anbhor the concept of strict ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.. just because I think everyone has his ‘rights/wrongs’..but to be in a state of grey myself. ..? Am I thinking too much? How do I stop it? Can I ‘relax’ ?
There is no problem. That’s the main problem. Since there is no problem do I solve it?
And the trigger has been Imtiaz Ali’s “highway”. Ever I experienced that film..I have been pretty restless. Very restless. Thinking as to what to think. Why has this film disturbed me? I don’t know? I really don’t.  Should I stop thinking about it? Its just a film. Why is it making me restless? I know that I cant take anyone else’s answer for it. I have to think of a way out. The ‘convinent’ answers wont do.
The film has touched something deep inside me and turned my thought processes inside out. Its just a film.Goddamn it. It shouldn’t screw my head. See it..forget it. Its not cult-ish. It’s a normal film about ‘Stockholm syndrome’ ..its just a fim..a story. It isn’t anything else.
Why is it then I am thinking about it? Even now? I tried all justifications..atleast the ones I knew. I even wrote a shitty review about get it out and move on. Not working.
Even now I cant ‘catch’ it. I thought writing about it would make me comfortable about it. Nope..this is not working. I am even more confused about it. I hate it when such an idea catches you and spins you around against your wishes.

What do I make out of it. ..? I don’t know…I just don’t know! Hate this!

Friday, February 28, 2014

tomorrows sky

Today is a bad day..
A grey day..
Today is a day of noises and babble..
There was always a day like this..
There were darker days..
Worser days..
Today is a bad day..
And its not the only one..
Today is not clear..
Today is a blur..
But there is always a tomorrow..
Tomorrow is a day of rise..
A day that always..always comes after
Today will be your day..
Maybe many more today's will be yours..
massless molasses will have my today..
You will win today..
With your gabble and teeth..
But you have made a mistake..
You have thought of today..
You have been winning ..
And that makes you smile..
But you have made a mistake..
You always had..
You don't have tomorrow ..
For tomorrow is the day of rise..
Tomorrow is the day I flew..
Above you..much above you...
And I will ..
Yes..I just have a sliver to hold on..
Yes ..I just have my truth..
But it will see me thru..
It always has...
The slush has hidden your weakness ..
The slush has given you the mass..
But a sliver I have will see me through..
It always has..

You can laugh at me..
You can laugh at the sliver I clutch on to..
Its a small sliver..
Its only you to miss the iron in it..
The silver will take me through..
And you will see..
Long after today..
When you still will be staging your mini plays..
I will be in the deluxe seats of the play..
For tomorrow is the day I rise..
Tomorrow is the day I fly..
Count the pennies today..
Its all you will have..
Tomorrow I will have the sky..