Monday, March 31, 2014


Just needed to free my hand . This is almost 70% of actual photo. Somewhere I fucked up the most imp element of potrait..eyes. My Charcoal pencil was too brittle..the paper couldnt hold charcoal details (all the included excuses to hide the lack of my expertise) . But what the hell..I felt good and OK OK will PRACTICE drawing . Heard you !!


Thanks to Will for introducing me to acryllics ..dude! you rock!!

his website is

Sunday, March 30, 2014


Thanks to Will Kemps..

This just wont keep quiet..

I have a problem.Its the mind. Its so vocal that sometimes I wish it would just keep quiet instead. Frankly sometimes I think it owns me rather than the other around. And I am not being cutesy here. Its like being a bug on the wagging end of a dog's tail(dont get me started on the tail wagging the dog). When its in mood , the mind doesnt talk to screams. It gets bugging to keep hearing to it. And this is more so when it feels the need to speak on everything. I tried convincing it that you do not HAVE to form an opinion on everything. Just accept somethings,buddy. But NO, sirji has made it clear that it JUST WONT. So, I am stuck with its booming voice and stubbornness. I have to get up at 3 AM because it wants to speak to me. And the monlogue lasts hours ...My day is screwed. It demands attention 24/7 so I cant even ogle at some random hotchick on the road. Nope..that luxury has been lost long time back. I cant look at a scenery without it 'composing' it. Sometimes I just want to be a normal average guy who loves his 'dal chawal' and maa ka pyaar..!I want to look at a porn film without it telling me that the lighting is all wrong! Yeah it does that..!I am on a street and instead of the shops all I see is that this street doesnt have a storm drain and that it would be covered in shit in rains! I want to be 'NORMAL'and all that! But hell no, its not my luxury,my mind wont take it. It has to be super -opinioted about every shitty thing.
The only way to block it out is either to paint or write or read but these are so temporary respites that I wonder how will I continue to live with it for the entire life. :(
I would have left it at that if it was just in my head...but issue is that it fucks me around physically. You see ,it HAS to move. So I am left with wandering all around mountains and cities to cater to its whims. And point is that there is no option to reason with it.It just WANTs. I try telling it..boss, 'next time, this is going to be a bit tight' but doesnt work. It just doesnt work.
And with people..its the worst. There is a basic decency and politeness and respect for people. You sometimes have to talk to people even if you are not terribly in love with them. But not my mind. It has a very clear cut policy..'I dont like fuck u'..which means that I am on wrong terms with some pretty 'hot-shots' . I want to keep a straight face while talking to these (sometimes pompous) bastards..but how can you ,when your mind is rolling on the floor laughing.
I want to be nice and gentle with my close kins..but mr.Mind has never heard of this word 'kindness' and doesnt extend it to close ones. Frankly I dont understand. Because its contradictory. This one day I was travelling to Abu from Mumbai and en-route on a bus stop a very old man was sleeping on a rag ! I looked at him and poor guy was shivering. I took a look and turned back thinking of it as a normal thing in this shitty country. But Mr Mind had other plans. It didnt turn back..It ordered me to give my Jacket to cover him. I was like ' you are out of your ..well..mind?' its a Woodland ka Jacket. But no ...! Mr Mind would have had none of it. So I basically had to wake this old man ..gave him the Jacket (and 400 bucks..leaving 100 for me) grudgingly. All the while cursing Mr Mind.Its not nice to lose a good Woodlands Jacket to a stupid old man :(
Frankly I really am at a loss as to the fact that why I have been cursed with such an asshole. I have to keep it feeding ideas to keep it quiet. I have to pamper its every wish and most of the time what it gives me back is loud thoughts and opinioated advice. Its a loss-loss equation for me.
But I guess somewhere deep down I know I need it more than it does. And maybe Mr Mind knows it too :(
Which means I am ROYALLY SCREWED!! 

Monday, March 24, 2014

some recent works


The trek to Nagtibba is a generic easy trek if weather favours you and a slightly ardous one if you are not in favour with weather gods. That being said, a motely group of 15 started with all the right intentions from Delhi ISBT towards Dehradun at 11’O clock (night). An ice breaker stop at the BIKANO followed by a early morning tempo trip to Pantwadi saw us welcome the Saturday morning chill.
The walk from Pantwadi is a gradual climb and an easy one but with first timers it’s a slightly awkward experience as they start getting used to tightening back straps and the frequent need to sip gulps of water( of course due to dryness and the sun). We started a bit late ie around 1100 so the ‘lunch break’ was more of a snack pitstop with some rice pulao and dahi.
It took us almost 5 hours to reach the camping ground undulating slope with the right angle so as to afford maximum open space without the wind chill factor.

Since most of the beginners were tired , it was an effort to pitch in the tents and make the camping grounds ready. However this was followed by a rewarding plate of piping hot pakoras and tea. As the group intermingled, the sky played host to changing weather patterns which was a uninterrupted show of myriad colors. Settling down around a quickly assembled campfire , soon the dinner was ready. Hunger mixed with tiredness gave a welcome taste to the chicken and paneer dishes that our cook Raju churned out. Water was a luxury ..and more so warm water,but nevertheless a learning expierance for all the first timers. Ankit Punia was the star of the campfire night with Aman pitching in with oneliners and the ever careful Pankaj keeping a watchful eye while regulating the routine with clockwork precision. Soon fatigue overtook us and we slipped into the cosy sleeping bags with a prayer that weather gods should continue to smile on us.
Day three started with a crispy albeit warm sun . A few bites of breakfast with great tea and we were ready to braeak camp to move towards the Nag temple followed by a onward climb. We encountered snow real early on and decided that we cant camp high up. So the porters had to be sent back to the original camping ground but not before we were presented with warm dalia for lunch. We started the climb towards Nagtibba at approximately 2 o clock(a bit late by our calculations.

Within 4PM we were in sighting distance of the peak. However the snow depth was increasing by every feet and light was beginning to fade. Around 100 meters from the peak , we had to take a call as to either continue with the climb and risk a late return or return back safely in time.
Pankaj came to our rescue with a brilliant brain wave that we should cover as much peak distance as possible till 4:30 and return back dot at 430 from wherever we have reached. Pushing on with his josh he was all around pumping in the already tired junta. And as on cue , the entire team was filled with a wild desire to reach the top. Ploughing through more than three feets of snow, the first of the guys reached well within 430 with the rear being brought up within ten minutes.This was followed by jubiliation and cheering and lots of hugging(as if we were on Everest itself). It was a team effort and somehow the team came real close at that precise moment.
A few minutes at the top was followed by a quick descent to our base camp. All along thanking the rain gods for not paying us a visit.
At the camp…warm soup awaited us as the team changed the already wet gear and freshened up. A campfire was waiting for us and the tents were already in place. A welcome sight for the weary team.
An animated campfire which included some pretty philosophical gyaan continued through out the night. The next day morning we marched down to Pantwadi followed by a dinner at Moti Mahal restaurant.. sponsored by Pankaj.With our bellies full and tired yet happy bodies, we boarded the busto ISBT Delhi.
A great trek to start the trekking season, which was elevated to a happy gathering thanks in no small part to Pankaj,Aman and Ankit.Till we meet again…!!

prevention of hurt

If one is hurt should enquire as to why is he hurt? If he is hurt because of himself ..he should reconcile not to repeat it. If he thinks he is hurt because of someone else..then even its his fault. Because its he who has bestowed the right to hurt on him/her. To blame someone for your hurt is the easiest and the most erroneous thing to do. The only way to prevent is not to fight or reason with someone who has hurt you. It will only increase your dependence and multiply your chances of getting hurt again..! The best thing one can do is slowly but surely withdraw the right to hurt. Its the only logical thing to do. Its painful and not without its pit falls but its way more better than handing the hammer again to the vandaliser. If at all one chance to hurt is a mistake ..the second chance is availed only on the consent of the victim. Its better to immune oneself to hurt than to get hurt ..which basically a waste of time and not really worth the person hurting you. Its very simple...a person who hurts you repeatedly is of no value whatsoever in your life.its gangrene which must be cut away and thrown.however painful . Reasoning with gangrene is only giving it time to destroy you more. A surgical cut ..however painful saves your life and heart. In time everyone heals..but why go through repeateted masochism? ;)

Saturday, March 22, 2014

The burning pan

The hot pan on fire..
Hot with the fire below..
Hot with the fire within..
Drops of water wont do..
drops that roll off the hot surface..
No they just wont do..

A cool breeze wont do..
it will never do..

Burning in its own heat..
seething turning and turning to charcoal..
The fire wont stop..
Its happy its burning..
Its the pan thats getting burnt..
Its the pan that feels the burn..

I am sorry

I am sorry for a lot of things . I am not sorry to something..I am just sorry for myself. And I guess I owe myself an apology..
 I am sorry that I can't lie. Rather..I won't lie. Because I see no long term value in demeaning yourself in long term. I am sorry I believe in honesty for honesty sake. I am sorry I think beyond the obvious time and place. I am sorry I can't close my eyes and bow down to bullies. I am sorry I don't respect ranks and I respect minds. I am sorry I believe in lovemaking and not 'fucking'. I am sorry I get aroused as much by intellect as by shapely boobs. I am sorry I respect simplicity. I am sorry I don't hold traditions in awe. I am sorry I can't believe just because ' u say so' . I am sorry I don't think love means dependance. I am sorry I love being in love. I am sorry I can skip lunch for looking at a painting . I am sorry I get disgusted by ugly people.I am sorry I expect a system to work. I am sorry I don't see fun in harassing or cheating people. I am sorry I don't see the fun factor in pinching the bum of the girl. I am sorry I respect women.I am sorry I really dont think being unhygenic is Macho. I am sorry that I am not trying to be agreeble..
I am sorry I like stones,monuments and spaces more than living things. I am sorry I like Carl Sagan and Feynman more than Dan Brown. I am sorry I am crazy about sci-non-fiction. I am sorry I dont like garbage and am willing to do my part. I am sorry I get up to offer seats to women. I am sorry I regret offering seats to women. I am sorry I dont like loud noises, loud people ,loudness however 'well meaning' they may be. I am sorry I dont like marriages,I am sorry that I think most 'marriages' are deals of convinience. I am sorry I have lost trust in men/women (esp Indian) . I am sorry I dont like scribblings on walls of temples.I am sorry I dont like pissing on the wall. I am sorry I am not a fan of cosmetic beauty. I am sorry I love philosophy.
I am sorry I like quality and am willing to pay for it. I am sorry I cant smile if I dont feel like.
I am just so sorry to be thinking . Hope I will be forgiven..

Friday, March 21, 2014

Why do I trek?

I have been trekking for close to 10 years now. Earlier I used to trek with close coursemates and now that they have been married off..I do it with a few known acquaintainces. Recently I concluded two treks with the Bikat Adventures group...!
After the Panwali Kantha trek ..I was on way back and in the bus I couldnt get sleep. My mind on its own started searching for a reason I go on treks so passionately! I was getting a lot of answers that I thought I should write down because I feel if one can put down his thoughts on paper(in this case ,keyboard) he becomes more coherent to himself.
I trek because I at the core of my self want to be at peace. Yes, I trek to get to that zone of peace where my thoughts rebound in my head and my body breaks down with pain. There are treks (esp the Ladakhi treks) where I am almost in tears in pain while at the same time stupidly happy. I guess there is a hidden masochist in me . The level of 'shanti' (peace isnt a very apt word for 'shaanti' ..more apt is 'to be at peace') I achieve walking alone and fighting the next step in my head. That is why I prefer walking alone and not to talk ..I am struggling with my thoughts, my stories, my peace. It sounds rude to my fellow travellers(sorry for that) but I dont want company. At most I plug in my ipod and hear the latest sufiyana song...It some how calms me.

I trek because I get the feeling of being in love. yes, strange though it may sound,I feel I am in love while trekking. Not the narrow romantic definition of boy-girl love ..but the much bigger and vaster feeling of being in love ..just being in love. I look around and see trees, skies,clouds..and somehow I feel loved. I feel non-judgemental,free and happy. I love a particular tree..I love it as much I would love any girl.And somehow I feel that the tree loves me back. without judgement..without asking anything(promise, I m not on dope here). I say it goodbye and somehow feel it waving me bye. The skies will love you , no matter what..even if they are full of rain and snow. And I feel the love of every pebble ..every rock on the path.

I trek because I feel free. free of stupidities, pettiness, anger and games. I feel strangely liberated. I am sweaty,dirty, smelly and tired. But at the same time I feel cleansed. Call it absolution call it anything,I just feel free..

Some treks I get a feeling that why did I pay for getting so fucked? But once the pain is over , it remains etched into my mind as a happy memory. I guess I trek to create memories. Memories which is the only thing permanent in this world(alzhiemers not withstanding). The memories which cant be created sitting cozy in a bar. These are the ones which require your sweat. Perhaps because they are sweaty memories..they are for me much truer memories.

Someone once said , that everyone who treks/climbs has a story going on in his head. I guess thats true. We relive our stories and I do it on treks. Bad stories, good ones..happy stories, a sad email ..a smell here ..maybe a song there. They all come flooding back and somehow you are so filled that you just stare ahead and walk on.
Sometimes the bearing of being is too much to bear for me. Sometimes I am too fed up of stupid people playing a zero sum stupid game. Petty egos ..fragile vanities to be massaged. I trek to escape this mentally. I trek because somehow when you are with nature you find a partner in the winds..skies and snow..who nod their head and tell you...' we understand the pettiness of all this drama..remember we have been here forever ;)'... just walk on.
I trek because past is past and walking on is progress,growth and creativity. Trekking is like a fire where I burn out some bad past to make fire for a brighter present. Its slightly painful but its better then letting the fire burn you...
I trek to forget. I trek to remember..! I trek because drugs are illegal...! I trek because at some level its an escape into a truer...more intelligent eco system..

Yeah ...More than anything I guess I trek because I am an escapist. I want to be alone. with my thoughts with my ideas..I am not a 'sharer'..I guess I trek because I am gloriously selfish !! :)
Ice cream---you scream

The trouble with truth...

The trouble with truth..
Is the bags it tears..
The trouble with truth ..
is not the truth..but the fears..
The trouble with truth ..
is not that it must be spoken..
the trouble is that it cant be shut..
the trouble is not that ..
It cant be ignored..
the real trouble is that..
it cant be avoided..

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Dont know!!:(

The last few days following the weekend have been very restless for me. Mentally I have been churning around and trying to get something ‘out’. The issue is not so much of framing as to the issue of ‘what’ is to be framed? My thoughts have been incoherent and often self contradictory. I haven’t ever faced this crisis of mental coherence since a long time. I haven’t grappled with myself very many times.. I am pretty much love in what I think..most of the time. But this time ..I have been cutting circles in air. Brownian motion..thats something I am never mentally in love with…but that’s what precisely defines a state I am in….
I anbhor the concept of strict ‘right’ or ‘wrong’.. just because I think everyone has his ‘rights/wrongs’..but to be in a state of grey myself. ..? Am I thinking too much? How do I stop it? Can I ‘relax’ ?
There is no problem. That’s the main problem. Since there is no problem do I solve it?
And the trigger has been Imtiaz Ali’s “highway”. Ever I experienced that film..I have been pretty restless. Very restless. Thinking as to what to think. Why has this film disturbed me? I don’t know? I really don’t.  Should I stop thinking about it? Its just a film. Why is it making me restless? I know that I cant take anyone else’s answer for it. I have to think of a way out. The ‘convinent’ answers wont do.
The film has touched something deep inside me and turned my thought processes inside out. Its just a film.Goddamn it. It shouldn’t screw my head. See it..forget it. Its not cult-ish. It’s a normal film about ‘Stockholm syndrome’ ..its just a fim..a story. It isn’t anything else.
Why is it then I am thinking about it? Even now? I tried all justifications..atleast the ones I knew. I even wrote a shitty review about get it out and move on. Not working.
Even now I cant ‘catch’ it. I thought writing about it would make me comfortable about it. Nope..this is not working. I am even more confused about it. I hate it when such an idea catches you and spins you around against your wishes.

What do I make out of it. ..? I don’t know…I just don’t know! Hate this!