Falling in love again...with my laptop

Last week I learnt a very valuable lesson in my life. Thanks to a lifeless mess of semiconductors called a Computer..more specifically my Laptop.
Ever since I left India , I was sure my laptop was no good. It had 256 mb RAM and 60 Gb HDD which was pathetic. Even more Pathetic was the fact that it was a Celeron Vintage. I mean in this age of Dual Core and quad core ,Celeron was a Dinasour. And 60 GB as like trying to move a home by packing into a tiny vanity bag. Too much crap..too less flip flops.
Add to this the fact that it was a low end compaq and not very good looking. Kept gathering dust on its screen and to put it simply it was too ugly, too slow, too small and too old(it was only three yrs old). The pages wre loadaaaadddiiinnn for eternity and formatting, defragmenting , reloading OS ,cleaning registry etc all tried and all failed.
I had decided that I wudnt spend a pie on this piece of shit till I throw it away. I mean the logic was this . ..If I upgraded the RAM, changed the drive and bought a new HDD , it would cost 1/3rd of the Cost Price of the laptop. And accounting for the 20% depreciation cost ..it wudnt make any sense doing the upgrade as long as it was "just working".
So gradually the Laptop was used as a stop gap and only for browsing while I did all my work on IIT computer.
One final nail came when I tried to load MATLAB 6 and the computer gave up.

As soon as I earned enough I wud buy a new ..most likely a VAIO laptop...That was the decision made.

Soon however settling down into the humdrum I couldnt get time to think about changing it. Infact everytime I went to a store I was always in the laptop section ..comparing this ..seeing that etc.
One fine day I decided that I needed storage space and my 2gb card wasnt much help. So I started looking for a portable drive and relised that it doesnt make sense to invest in another small flash drive ..I wud go for something where I could do a back up of all softwares . There was an offer for a 1 TB hdd and I bought it.

Now things began to change.

As I shifted the data to the drive. My laptop picked up...but just. I mean nothing noticable but I could feel that it was making a valiant effort. The fan was trying to cool its already overburdened processor as it tried to take on newer softwares,and I could hear it.

You may find it funny but I felt something for this old machine. I mean as I waited for the pages to refresh and heard the furious roar of its cooling fan...I felt that poor guy ..its trying its best. And I felt ashamed of myself. Seriously. I felt that while this laptop gave me hours of trouble free time(it had never broken down even once)..I was denying its basic "computer rights".
Every laptop had rights to better RAM and HDD and here I was being a creep ..thinking of throwing it away without giving it a fair chance.

So I thought lets make a try. I went and bought the cheapest possible RAM 512 and added it. Defragmented, removed junk data and cleaned up the entire thing...including the now dusty TFT.
Half expecting it to respond. As I switched it on again..I expected the same huffing and puffing and maybe a slight increase in speed . But nothing prepared me for the burst of energy.
It was as if I actually had a new laptop..The speed and response was faar faar beyond my expectations and it was actually as if I bought a new laptop.

I dont care about the money spend on HDD or RAM. What I care about is the fact that it taught me a valuable lesson.

A lesson that often we try to impress and invest time and energy in new people we meet. How often do we(make that "I") make a sincere effort to show that dedication to people who have been always there for us?
Yes, that is an oft repeated lesson and u may ask ..oh we knew that all along.
I am cool with that ..I do not deny that . But as far as I am concerned most lessons make a mark when you relearn them yourself ...and this was one of them.

BTW I am searching for a new name for my lappy..Any suggestions? ;)

What Germany is teaching me!!

I have been in germany for 3 monthes and its been a life changing expierance for me as far as I am concerned. Life changing in the sense that I have never have been clearer that I am a deeply religious person..and the religion is India. 

I have never ever thought how sensitive am I about my country than since I have left its soil,never has been the soil of my country been holier, never has been my identity so stronger. Never have I ever been so fiercely angry about my country being criticised. 

Germany is a also a fiercely nationalistic country and its people are generally chauvinistic about their country and I dont know its a good thing but I find myself sensitive even when they are not very critical. 

I agree that germans have their good and very good points. They are public concious and civic to a fault. They use Please and thank u with irritating repeatation. They are professional and workohlics ..and they are very duty concious. Things we cud learn. 

But at the same time the most surprising thong I found that none..none ..i mean none of the Germans smile! I may be alittle critical on that aspect but I travel on a "local train" called S bahn and its quiet as death even at peak hours. Even with rush hour traffic. 

Coming from India I am pertrubed by public silence and since living in mumbai..I dont feel at home till I bump into someone every second. And yes I am pertrubed by people not smiling! I mean its strange..How can these guys not ever smile?

Its not an European thing becos in Paris ..I see animated people..People talk smile laugh..Yeah have seen them dance too!! but none of that here..

The only thing these people enjoy is getting drunk. No other means of fun..!!Yeah I forgot ..kinky sex!Thats it! 

Dont get me wrong I am all for getting drubk and wild sex ..but can that be a national pastime ? I mean even a football game here is incomplete without getting drunk!

Yeah and food..Puhleese! Its sausages ,sausages and more sausages with bretzel! Its not difficult to see that why the people are so sad. u wud be ..if u had sausages and bretzel every single day! 

Its as if these were a bunch of dumb school boys. Its as if they follow a manual on everything. No one thinks outside the box.

Compared to such a living...India may not be the garden of eden but somehow ppl smile..no,they laugh...they plot,they conspire ..they cheat...yes all of that but they live life as they want! And yeah food..food ..glorious Indian food. 

I dont have anything against germans ,just want them to know that ..sorry boss..mera mann nahin lagta! 

Me in Stuttgart

I have been in Stuttgart for almost a month. So wat do I miss in Germany? Indian Food , indian people ..indian smells...?

Strangely nothing at all. I like it here . I like the way life goes on here. I like the fact that I am left alone with my books and music. I am happy that I have a choice to prepare and eat what I like ..live as I like. I love the fact that if I am not littering the streets no one is..
I love the fact that I can sit beside the frozen lake and think with my beer in hand and not get strange looks . I love the fact that there is an operational pavement for me to run for miles at end. I love the fact that the incoming car has the courtesy to let me have the right of way while jogging...

I like it that I am being liked by my boss. I like it that he feels that he feels nice with an Indian around in charge. I may not deserve it..but it feels great. It feels great to be an Indian. Strangely outside India.

But the best part is that there is a Bose Showroom next door and the Mercedes muesuem nearby. The day I feel lonely I go there and it feels nice to be in a world where these excellent engineering pieces were invented.

Would I like to live here forever...Strangely the answer is no.

I like India too much to ever think of settling here. It may not be a very rich country, neither a very advanced one...but its mine. I will never feel the warmth of India here. its not that people are bad but I must admit the fact that I am not "one of them".
I may sound like a hypocrite but I want that my knowledge is used in India rather than enrich Germany. I need India as much as India needs me. Its illogical. I know. Maybe I am being too sentimental but you dont deal logic with either mothers or motherlands...

Retard Functions

I sometimes feel that the biggest challenge in life is not to know what "women want" but to know wat u urself want.
What gives you pleasure and wat can be the source of greatest sadness for you. ..? what keeps you alive ..? what makes you wat u are...? and finally wat do u want to be? What gives you the courage to stand alone..stand alone and take it on your chest...?

How often do i ask myself..what kind of a guy am i?

The reason i am gettin these kind of weird thoughts is that marriage is looming large on my head and i am shit scared . I am shit scared because I dont seem to meet any of the requirements of a "marriage worthy guy". I mean it seems that I am not designed to "care and share". And although surprisingly I get along with kids I never had any desire to have mine and deal with the piss and shit..!!
People try to convince me that marriage isnt that bad ...I have failed in trying to convince people(read parents) that its not that I am afraid of marriage. Its just that I am convinced that I wont be a good husband...Why? The logic is thus..

A ferrari may be the best sports car in its class but it will take a lot of effort (most of it useless and wastage of miney) to make it a sub marine. Not because the ferrari is weak or a bad peice of engineering but because it has inherent flaws that retard its function as a sub-marine..So parallaly what are my "retard functions" as a marriageable guy?

First and fore most....I am a selfish guy. I really dont care about others as long as I am happy. I am not saying it in a cuddly cuddly way ..but i seriously dont care about the general public around me unless they are my parents, sis or a few of my coursemates.Its very difficult for me to be that ever caring and concerned husband that I see floating around. It appears too much of an effort..That brings me to the second retard function.

I am inherently lazy. Most of the times I get away because of part luck and part intelligence but deep down I am a lazy bum.I wudnt move my butt till a dragon is breathing down my neck.The worst part is that as soon as the dragon leaves I am back on my couch. Whats more I am pretty happy the way it is. I mean i seriously find it not too harmful a vice..

Thirdly I am too egoistic. Not too egoistic for me but perhaps for someone who is planning to spending a life with me. I may be pretty easy going to a lot of people but maybe that hides an overtly senstive guy . Sensitive to my ego. Its silly but for a person as small as me this ego is pretty blown up. I feel its going to be a major issue...

maybe lastly the greatest "retard function" is that I dont forgive neither forget. I may not be vindicative but i never forget "intentional" hurts. I do find it a wastage of time trying to be vindicative but most likely if u have hurt me ...the next time i see u in trouble i will push u down further. Mercy, my my..thats something I totally lack.

For some , love is the elixer of life , for me i think its hate. Hate keeps me alive . It makes me long to live and rejoice. I love it when I break through people who think they are smart. I love that little smile of triumph as I rise above my circumstances . And what makes me rise...Its total despise of this world i live in.

You might think me to be a masochist but I relish a good hurt. I feel great when the odds are higher and I feel absolutely alone, Its these moments that make me come alive.These have been the most beautiful moments of my life..where I have cried to myself ,dusted myself and rose up to fight .These are the moments i have hated others the most and loved myself the most...

I love the feeling of proving people wrong ...quietly.And at the basis of that strength is the hate i feel for the world at large. A world where either you eat the other guy or be eaten...I hate to be a part of this philosophy and this hate keeps giving me the strength...

It would be slightly difficult for any woman to understand this even though she may shake her lovely head in affirmation. I am convinced that women are too confused to understand anything and I dont have the patience...

Thats why a ferrrari may never be a submarine at heart...Too many "retard functions"

I really loved the lyrics of this Jagjit Singh Song

aadamii aadamii ko kyaa degaa
jo bhii degaa vahii Khudaa degaa

meraa qaatil hii meraa munsib hai
kyaa mere haq men faisalaa degaa

zindagii ko kariib se dekho
isakaa cheharaa tumhen rulaa degaa

hamse puchho dostii kaa silaa
dushmanon kaa bhii dil hilaa degaa

ishq kaa zahar pii liyaa 'Faakir'
ab masiihaa bhii kyaa davaa degaa

Doesnt matter if you dont share my sentiments...

The stone

The stone unwashed and unkempt almost tries to become a diamond but stops midway between gasps of terrified breaths, terrified of the horror of remaining just an ordinary stone, carrying on the baggages of the moss that has grown upon him, obviously encouraged by his inability to refuse to play host when he should have been shaking them off, of his inability to refure a gratitude with that of further bonhomie and silently dragging the cares that has been laid without a care for his concern,his hapiness and his joys especially in face of the other stones who have been born diamonds, without the tremendous pressure of trying to become so despite the ordinariness of their origin, to profoundly reflect , not the world that they are grown in but the world they want to grow up into, albeit, nay despite the stickiness of mundaneness that calls out its cries , so piercing and so discordant, painfull yet unignorable, a magnetic pull in the direction the stone wants to go, with its own logic that is a remainnant from some big black space where he doesnt want to fall again.
It just wants a sparkle

The marriage market..

One day as me and Pradeep were just talkin on some random subjects ..He came across with this weird view as to why do girls remain unmarried beyond a certain age and more importantly why is it so important in terms of girls...i mean no one asks a man that why is he unmarried as long as he is financially and socially secure.

The answers to both these questions were what took most of our time. Infact pradeep had carried out a survey of a matrimonial site which had ads for girls above 30. And he found this common characteristic in almost all girls of this set...

a. Almost all of them were ugly- This is a view I agree with. An ugly girl is difficult to love and even more difficult to marry. I care two hoots about "beauty" of heart ...only for the reason that its very difficult to see. Skin deep beauty is convinient option. The only sad part is that as girls grow older they grow uglier and an intelligent girl is one who gets married young when age is supporting her.

b. Earning but not much- Almost all these girls were earning but were far below having a "career". This I really dont think is a criterion for their spinsterhood . But maybe their unwillingness to put the existent "career" on hold for marriage is the reason. Plus the fact that they are earning insufficiently compared to others who are better placed than them.

c. Feminist- Almost all profiles had very proud announcements . Nothing bad in that. But the fact of the matter is that no man wants to get stuck with an egoistic girl. He would rather marrry a meeker alternative. Many agressive and gung-ho females might disagree with that..citing examples of their husbands who are sensitive and caring and loving and yet have married them. That is true but I feel that there is a role reversal here. The husband is in fact the wife and vice versa..not a stable arrangement but as long as it lasts the wife is having fun.
We will leave such exceptions out.
Man as a rule are not interested in how great a girl is in acads or career...When choosing a wife they see her as a mother to their kids and a partner to themselves. An alpha female is a complete turnoff in both these regards..

Now we come to the question as to why do women need to be married..that too arranged.

The reason I feel is true only of India which had had around 2000 years of hit and misses to come to this arrangement. The sub reasons for this is as follows..

1. Marriage is a viable institution as it keeps men under control . The corollary is that if men are subdued the society gets the creative inputs to grow and survive.

2. If left to love, lots of people would get rejected. This is so because it is often seen that practical, marriageable persons are less romantic and the romantic ones are too irresponsible for starting a family. So if left to romance , the marriage might not be a stable one. Its as if there are two doors in series. One is romance..the other is marriage. A person with key to the first door lacks the second key. ..while a person with key to marriage door cant get to it because he lacks the key to the romance door.

3. Women are not useless but they have their limited uses. They are like worker ants ..extremely good at what they know and totally clueless about choices. Men on other hand are sex maniacs at marriageable age. They are guided more by testesterone than cerebrum at their prime. Left to choose a life partner for a stable marriage..both would commit mistakes(in majority of cases) . That is a destructive path and leads to much wastege in society like marital fights, childrens issues, courts, law and messy divorces. To prevent such losses to society moderation is required. Even at the cost of love...

We may not agree ethically with a lot of things followed in India about marriages,but I remain convinced that it still remains the most "workable" of the ideas. It is "wrong", reeks of "feudal mentality"..and "degenerates women" ..fine....but it has WORKED. It has managed to fulfill the basic aim of society ..which is to survive sustainably.We can challenge all of it ,inspired by the great American dream..but Its my personal expierance that a nation of 200 years can teach a lot to others ..but it cant teach survibability. Simply because it doesnt have the "expierance"....

Some day

Someday I will worry about life..some day,not today!
Someday I will be all sensitive and get hurt..not today !
Some day I will rue life as I see it..no not today...
Someday I will see more trash than quality...no no not today
Someday I will not be happy with the sunrise...
Someday I will sit and add the plusses and minus the minnusses..
Someday I will say "life is a pain"..
Some day , some day I will do all of that and shed tears at lost causes..
Maybe some day..but not today..for I am busy
Busy with today , come back some day later and
just maybe I will do all of that ..someday

===Piyush

Someday..

Steroetypes..an apology

I , of , late have started thinking differently about so called "stereotypes". Every day I hear how so and so is not the stereotypical Professor or Student or Mother or Aunty or father...! I hear how so and so thinking is so stereotypical..How stereotypes destroy relationships...!!

I do know about others but my expierance about this word is far from the hate almost everyone feels for it. I do not think "stereotype" is a bad word. It is a limiting word ..dividing men and women into neat sets and classifications ..sometimes even conditioning human thinking..but no...its not a dirty word. Its a word that has logic and experience behind it. Scratch the surface of most relationships, human beings and ideas and you will find a stereotype. Even those who strongly seem to defy "stereotyping" are at the base exactly stereotypical.

As we grow older we realize a lot of things that we were foolish about. As I have grown and thought and yes..seen a lot of things...I have somehow come to the conclusion that I owe an apology to this "word". I am sorry that I misunderstood you and your relevence in our lives and society. I apology for the disdain I had treated you...I apology for the rashness of my youth in not realizing your importance.
Now maybe I am wiser..maybe I am not , but I shall never ever underestimate you..

Some things on Radio

If you are in mumbai you cant miss the FM ..neither do u want to miss them. They are pretty much fun. I was listening to fm and just strolling around ...two programmes that ran back to back kind of got me thinking in two different ways..

Programme no 1 was a talk show about "if you can forgive your partner for infidelity ...?'. It was a busy show. People calling from all over. There were opinions galore. Some ppl felt that women forgive more than men..that if you are an independent woman you will never forgive...There was this woman who called up and said that she was on verge of a "drifting" affair when her hubby talked to her and forgave her...! To tell u the truth the best part of listening to all these shows is the fact that how women can talk crap so charmingly....! Its so very difficult for a woman to talk honestly ..I wonder if they get orgasmic just hearing their own voice..! 

Then one guy called up. Sudhanshu or sum name like that..He said some thing that was so genuine that I admired the clarity of thought this guy had..He said thus...

'There is no forgiveness without forgetfull ness. You cant say that you forgave someone but u cant forget it. If you cant forget that means that it will crop up sumtime or the other. Secondly no one forgives infidelity..they compromise with it . Once there is infidelity there is a crack that that can never be filled..its better that you go separate ways rather than "forgive and forget"...'

Putting myself in a man's or women's shoes..I was actually asking myself ..Wud i be able ever to forgive an infidelity? Honestly ..I wouldnt...Neither would any man or woman. I feel being "sensitive" or "metrosexual" has nothing to do with it. Being suave is just a better package for covering up the pain and hurt inside. Logically we should forgive and forget ..but men/women are not "logical" beings. Their feelings and prejudices rule over logic...To try to fit our raw emotions into the politically correct logic is something that i feel should be avoided..much as the way you shouldnt cut the body to fit the coffin..

Programme 2.

This programme had an irritating RJ , mallika singh, talking about how she was "totally..u kno TOTALLY..into having an idol in her life". She wanted to know from listeners their idols. And she was "totally ..u kno TOTALLY" irritating to say the least. I had a feeling that she was chewing every word she spoke and kind of being "cool" ....I hear this kind of language from teens but hearing it on radio kind of made it more horrible. I couldnt bear it for more than 7 mins...especially when a woman calls up and also tries this same .."TOTALLY ..u kno..Totally COOL " talk. Why are women like that? Why why? Its so depressing....