Loud

 Never have I been ever a fan of very loud things in life and when it was ever thrust upon me, I tried to deal with it at a very decent level, but it's very difficult for me to deal with loud stuff, loud music, loud people, loud atmosphere. It just overloads my senses. I would rather have a quiet evening with a few friends and intimate conversations than a group party. 

I am not capable of understanding a whole gaggle of voices, the so-called fun and the mirth and laughter in a group, not because I don't find it fun, but somehow I find it very dishonest. I find loudness a performance. It's a performance for no one in general and everyone in particular, where everyone is trying to prove that they are happy, they are nice, they're good. 

It's a mob performance and somehow is very disingenuous and dishonest at its very core. That goes for loudness as a whole. It is so performative that anyone who subscribed to that kind of lifestyle, music or anything else reveals a large part of his own personality. 

It's not to say that anyone who likes loudness is a bad person or a disingenuous person, but a part of him or her is loud means a part of her is or part of his is disingenuous at its very core. Loudness at very, very basic level is a performative property. It is to be only used and used only when it is required to attract attention and that attention span which it attracts might be small and this span may not be allowed to extend because of the very nature of the quality of loudness at all. 

In a group, in a music ensemble, in a painting, in a conversation, the quality of loudness makes everything meaningful drawn out just because of the fact that when you raise the threshold of the benchmark, everything detailed in a particular frequency domain down drowns out. You don't see the shells on the seashore when it is inundated by water. It is same with loudness and the more I grow, the more I evolve, the more I find myself shying away from loudness at all. 

I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing but at some level I don't find loudness attractive. I would rather sustain myself with quietness and surround myself with people who have got quite reflective qualities in them rather than someone who can be very, very loud and very, very boisterous. Yes, maybe it's a failing in me or maybe it's a failing in my attitude towards normal things but it is disgusting to find loudness and I steer clear of it. 

So, God judge me.