Sunday, March 30, 2014

This just wont keep quiet..

I have a problem.Its the mind. Its so vocal that sometimes I wish it would just keep quiet instead. Frankly sometimes I think it owns me rather than the other around. And I am not being cutesy here. Its like being a bug on the wagging end of a dog's tail(dont get me started on the tail wagging the dog). When its in mood , the mind doesnt talk to screams. It gets bugging to keep hearing to it. And this is more so when it feels the need to speak on everything. I tried convincing it that you do not HAVE to form an opinion on everything. Just accept somethings,buddy. But NO, sirji has made it clear that it JUST WONT. So, I am stuck with its booming voice and stubbornness. I have to get up at 3 AM because it wants to speak to me. And the monlogue lasts hours ...My day is screwed. It demands attention 24/7 so I cant even ogle at some random hotchick on the road. Nope..that luxury has been lost long time back. I cant look at a scenery without it 'composing' it. Sometimes I just want to be a normal average guy who loves his 'dal chawal' and maa ka pyaar..!I want to look at a porn film without it telling me that the lighting is all wrong! Yeah it does that..!I am on a street and instead of the shops all I see is that this street doesnt have a storm drain and that it would be covered in shit in rains! I want to be 'NORMAL'and all that! But hell no, its not my luxury,my mind wont take it. It has to be super -opinioted about every shitty thing.
The only way to block it out is either to paint or write or read but these are so temporary respites that I wonder how will I continue to live with it for the entire life. :(
I would have left it at that if it was just in my head...but issue is that it fucks me around physically. You see ,it HAS to move. So I am left with wandering all around mountains and cities to cater to its whims. And point is that there is no option to reason with it.It just WANTs. I try telling it..boss, 'next time, this is going to be a bit tight' but doesnt work. It just doesnt work.
And with people..its the worst. There is a basic decency and politeness and respect for people. You sometimes have to talk to people even if you are not terribly in love with them. But not my mind. It has a very clear cut policy..'I dont like fuck u'..which means that I am on wrong terms with some pretty 'hot-shots' . I want to keep a straight face while talking to these (sometimes pompous) bastards..but how can you ,when your mind is rolling on the floor laughing.
I want to be nice and gentle with my close kins..but mr.Mind has never heard of this word 'kindness' and doesnt extend it to close ones. Frankly I dont understand. Because its contradictory. This one day I was travelling to Abu from Mumbai and en-route on a bus stop a very old man was sleeping on a rag ! I looked at him and poor guy was shivering. I took a look and turned back thinking of it as a normal thing in this shitty country. But Mr Mind had other plans. It didnt turn back..It ordered me to give my Jacket to cover him. I was like ' you are out of your ..well..mind?' its a Woodland ka Jacket. But no ...! Mr Mind would have had none of it. So I basically had to wake this old man ..gave him the Jacket (and 400 bucks..leaving 100 for me) grudgingly. All the while cursing Mr Mind.Its not nice to lose a good Woodlands Jacket to a stupid old man :(
Frankly I really am at a loss as to the fact that why I have been cursed with such an asshole. I have to keep it feeding ideas to keep it quiet. I have to pamper its every wish and most of the time what it gives me back is loud thoughts and opinioated advice. Its a loss-loss equation for me.
But I guess somewhere deep down I know I need it more than it does. And maybe Mr Mind knows it too :(
Which means I am ROYALLY SCREWED!! 

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