Tuesday, April 15, 2014

bad ideas

Delhi has been an eyeopener in more ways than one. I had come to Delhi four monthes back nursing a deep prejudice to this city . And as I audit my life in these few days in the National Capital I have come across a awful lot of truths and realisations which I wouldnt have had if I hadnt come face to face with this city and people. Infact when I look back at my life ..lots of things have a 'delhi' perspective. The kind of idea that there exists an attitude that is at the same time highly practical and insanely stupid ..that there exists a kind of idea that is not only self destructive but highly plleasuble and at the same time self destructive. Its something that one realises that threre is a city where people not only believe such ideas but live and die by them..however innimical they are.
Now imagine the psychological paradox  of living in a city whose central idea conflicts with everything beautiful and constructive. That is not a feat that one should be proud of..thats a punishment that one should get rid of. One cannot be proud of surviving in dirt..one should ask a question as to why is he living in dirt? Is it glorious to 'survive' an avoidable atmosphere? Is it constructive to wallow in dirt? Is it a great feat of philosophy to accept dirt? I dont think so. I think its a great feat to realise that the dirt is not doing anything great to you emotionally or physically. Its just making you dirtier.
Do you want to play these games where the winner also ends up as a loser? Do you want to keep playing these games?
Delhi is a place where the empirical proof of the idea derides my idea of what life is..how it should be lived. Its a place where the pressure to play games comes down to survival. Survival is okay in man vs Wild but to fight for survival in a metro is to waste time in advancing oneself. If you are constantly fighting and playing games ..your mind is too occupied to invest itself in growing positively. I think in a civilised town there should be a 'fight' vs 'enrichment' curve. The fight should not be the sole purpose of ypur existence. Delhi has taught me that there are people for whom the 'fight' is enjoyable and enriching. Its not something i attest but I guess I dont stand a chance.
One should always bang his ideas against reality to check where does one stand. I must thank Delhi for fast forwarding this empirical process. Its a painful but important lesson. I dont want to become the fighter. I want to walk away because this is a bad game.
I thank Delhi for making me realise how lonely one can become. In my 33 years of existence I have never felt as isolated and left out as i felt in this place. Its not physical loneliness..its being mentally lonely in a mirage of ideas. Its like being the sole vegeteranian in a cannibalistic tribe. Its not difficult to be a cannibal..but I see the entire futility of being one. Its not sustainable and you end up killing each other. Even if you win..you lose another human being.Maybe a freind ..maybe a freindship.
And I have lost a lot in these four monthes. I have lost respect for basic life. I have lost trust and I have lost the basic zest for life. I have lost the idea that people want to be fundamentally happy. I have lost the idea of loving.Its not that I havent tried to fight this loss ..god knows that I have fought with all I have. But at this point I have realised its 'flight' time rather than fight time.
Its a loss thats not permanent but if left to its own it can become gangrene. You can fight with others but you cant be in continual fight with yourself. You cant really question yourself and your morals and ethics everyday. Its a fight where even a winner loses himself.
Its time to draw up the tables and see where you stand. Do you want to stand where you are standing? Have your ideas been validated? What have you won and what have you lost? Does it make sense fighting with people who are not afraid of losing themselves? Do you have a chance of winning a game where you have your intellect and emotion to lose for gaining what? A Parking space?
I must thank Delhi for showing me that its futile to fight such a fight. Its possible that its just not worth it. I am thankful I came to this place and I realised the truth of my ideas.
I realised that even the best of ideas fail when linked to bad people. You cant build a temple ..however great the plan ..with weak bricks. So what do you do? You take your ideas and build at another place where the bricks satisfy your criterea. Its no good trying to change the plan to suit the brick. Especially when the pilot project has failed miserably due to bad bricks. Its a painful process to accept that while your ideas may be fundamentally true... the subject of test against which you implement them is as important. If you have an idea that there are stars and you cant see them..its not that your idea is wrong always..its just that the telescope's glass is bad quality. You should realise that good ideas require good material. Rather ,provabilty of idea depends as much on the men and material as the idea itself. To doggedly test your ideas against bad material...Its just not worth your time or sometimes you are disgusted enough even to keep up the charade.

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