The anti social

Today I met a freind who had come in to the city for some work. As we sat down to dinner and started talking about treks etc...he cleared his throat and said 'I got to discuss something I have been hearing about you' ..

Now, when I hear this kind of throat clearing I know something is wrong but hey he was afreind and how wrong could it be. ..? Between mouthful of chicken swarma I asked him ..Yeah?

'It seems lots of people saying that you do not respond to calls ..you do not attend socials and in someway you have turned into an 'anti social'...Has it got something to do with 'matrimonial problems'?

Now ..I almost laughed..infact almost choked on my swarama..!

I told him...' You called me? ' Did I refuse? Infact I drove 23 Kms to just meet you! In what way do you think I am anti social.

He said..well been hearing alot so i thought I would ask you if its something thats true.

Here is a gist of what I told him..

Yeah! I am an antisocial to lots of people ....I dont feel like investing my time in people I think are a drain on intellectual resources. I have limited time on earth and I want to invest that time in me. My capacity for pampering fools is not much and I draw on it limitedly. Why? because its not worth it.

If a person cant enrich me in his/her conversation why should I talk to him/her? Why should I socialise with a group that gossips and talks about people rather than ideas? Of what use is such a conversation to me?
I dont take out time for so called 'freinds' because I have better things to do..!I would rather study programming or do a sketch than drink and bitch about how bad the world is...

I dont agree that that the world is a sad place so why should I feel compelled socially to agree with those who think it is..? I cant talk about diapers and wifey joes because..well..I dont have either issues. So what do I talk about!

I have in my life felt moments of pure bliss and joy which have brought tears of joy to my eyes. Being loved by a dog, kissed by a baby or on top of a peak which I have climbed. These are joys that I like ruminating over. The joy of finally capturing 'light' in my sketches..or the joy of plotting complex numbers in matlab..I dont want to make anyone privy to them...Atleast those who are far away from understanding the import and worth of such pleasures..! How long can I talk about my bad boss..bad system and stupid political generality?

So , I stay away and spend my time better. I am selfish in the way that I dont like mixing with ugly people. Whose thoughts will disturb my mental peace and try to make me feel guilty. I dislike the power of negativity of such people.

So I stay away..Its better that way.

Why Draw

Now there was a group where we had to tell our names and explain as to why we paint/draw!

I got up ..told my name and as to the question 'why do I draw'? I went blank. All I could give was a nervous and a real amused laugh! Nervous because I was blank and amused because of the answers I had heard before 'I am passionate about drawing'..'I like design'..I want to draw because I am preparing for NIFT/NID entrance etc etc..And I really couldnt think of any smarter answer...

I thought while was standing and I really thought..Passionate? Naah... Design ? Naaah...Love drawing ? Naah...

Why do I draw?

I could give a million answers and they all would be wrong. I really cant put a finger on why I draw..!
But I do draw obsessively..

 I draw on my organiser..I draw on newspaper...I draw on office post it notes..When I see a figure I am subconciously looking at the veins and muscles fold and thinking how to get the 'stretch' feeling on paper. I look at a begger and start having a high contrast visions of his wrinkled face...

I draw ..well..not because I want to ..I draw because I cant stop.
Like its with writing I guess..

No really. There is really no hocus pocus to it...Frankly I feel drawing kind of detoxifies me. It gives me a period of immense meditation for atleast 10 mins (yeah thats the most i spend on any drawing)..It makes me feel light..infact when I draw I sometimes forget everything outside..Only light and shadows remain...

So let me put it this way..

I draw because words aernt enough..Period.