The clash of the titans

There is a small forest near the University in Stuttgart and sometimes I go for a run around the lake at its centre. It is a beautiful track and well kept.

The last time I went for a run I saw a lot of leech like creatures crawling on the forest floor at regular intervals. They are called slugs and although generally veeeeeryyyy slloooooww in movement they do try to move around. Even attempting to cross the forest paths in one sloooowww loooonnnggg trek.

I generally try my best to avoid stepping over them even though it means jumping half of the way. Frankly speaking I find their struggle to cross the forest path heroic. With their slow gait..this must feel like a marathon for them . But still they attempt it for food/sex/adventure..and I respect guys who attepmt heroic things so..kind of salute them as I jump over them. ;)

Anyway , they have got some company in slow mo world in terms of snails.

Now poor snails are not that great to look at but I always imagine them as school kids with a bag on their back and on their way to school. You know the "obedient types" who just look at the road and march ahead. I am sure that underneath that shell they have a small green water bottle and a neatly packed red and white tiffin box and their moms told them to go "straight to the school".

This forest is also full of the snails..small ones.

Yesterday as I was cooling down after the run I was stopped on my tracks by an interesting encounter. One slug was marching straight on to line of sight of an incoming snail. and they were like atleast 5 cm away from each other. This smelt interseting so I sat down on a nearby log and took in the scene.

The course of both of these guys were set and no one was even making any least attempt to change his/her course. So after an agoinising wait of 5 minutes ..the "thing" happened.
They both clashed head on. It was a scene to remember. I felt I was watching a slow motion crash of two armies. The slug had a minor compression of its body while the snail almost toppled over.

Now this was of course most inappropriate and they had no idea how to react. So after Mr Snail regained its balance and the slugs vibration came to an end, they again squared off. And again a "bang"

I felt that it was again a mistake and not a fight. Because after the second clash. Both of them looked around as if they were embarrassed to not look where they were going.
The snail was picking up his tiffin box while the slug dusted its coat and looked around. In a while somehow it looked as if they wre saying sorry and decided that the snail will take the right while slug will be on left.And soon they continued on their own slowfull and painfully long march.

For both creatures without a central nervous system to decide on the path to take after the clash..That was something that impressed me the most.

There is so much beauty ..If only we looked.

Borrowed Arguments

I am a pretty argumentative guy. I relish a good brainshaking argument. I like my ideas shaken , stirred..turned on my head . I like being given a perspective I missed out. I am an "argument for arguments sake" guy. I like to taste a sentence...In the sense that I like rolling it and looking at it from different sides. While I am lucky I have met a few guys who do not take arguments too personally ..I have been pissed off by a few "types" . I will try defining them

1. "I am important" Guys. These guys have had a mediocore life and have hit a jackpot once which is the defining moment . So they play it around with such aplomb that suddenly their argument becomes too personal. If you attack the logic they get sentimental.

2. "The Righteous" . The second variety are the "ethical" paper tigers. Their base logic is that the world is governed by the ethical code of conduct. So if its not "right" its obviously not true. They re most of the times the most hypocritical. And arguing with them is like having a bag of deep fried and stale chips. The taste is bad and you are left with bad farts.

3. "The super data banks" . They are one of the funniest because they tie themselves up in their own arguments by generalising facts. So if the sun rises in the east today..they are sure it will rise tomorrow and for a billion tomorrows(believe me there is a slim possibility that you wont see the sun tomorrow..there is no 100% chance that it will rise). Now these guys draw upon facts,documentaries and science to prove their case. Most often they borrow quotes and base their argument on authority. For example "bertrand russel said so.." hence its infalliable. But neverthe less they are the least bad of the lot. You may not gain in logic but yes an open minded discussion is still possible...

Now I come to the most virulent of the specis..The "borrowed arguments dealers"

4. Borrowed argument dealers. These are by far the most irritating of the lot. A strain of the super data banks these state "borrowed logic" from others without stating the source.

They are the most confident because they "know". They pick up argumental logic from religious gurus , management books , tv shows and present it. Since its a valid argument..sometimes I am stunned by the logic. But when reality dawns on the copyright..I am dissapointed.

The best part of the whole story is that majority of arguments spoil sports are the "borrowed" variety. And the most vociferous. They cant diffrentiate between a quarrel and logic. And when their sources are revealed they become violent.

As a non-violent man..I have decided that I will do my best to avoid them.

The most beautiful women..Ac to me

A few days ago I asked some one I knew.."who do u think is the most beautiful woman ever to represent female sexuality on bollywood " ...The answer was a certain "Madhubala". I beg to disagree.

I was very specific in my question "female sexuality" . No I did not mean skin show(although frankly ..its someones skin ..and I do not see the problem in showing any skin,if its beautiful that is..). Anyway what I meant was a woman who filled the screen with "feminine presence " when she used to be there. A presence which was tangible and sensual even while fleeting and momentary.

A woman whose "womanness" was so beautiful that it made you fall in love with not only her but with the beauty of idea of a woman. An idea that is strong,and soft alternating in its feel to drive you to a level of conciousness where you feel the alternating void and fullness of pure and unadulterated happiness.

A woman who was ,as all great things are, was more than the sum of her parts. She was more than the sum of her eyes ,nose or skin..She was more than her dance, she was more than her acting skills. She was simply more. As if , even if she would just stand in front of the camera , the joy of seeing her would not be diminished.

I do not think Madhubala was all that. She was a fair sack of super fine flour. Her smile was asymetric and everytime she tried to "love" the camera the scene fell flat. She was the Aishwarya Rai equivalent of yesteryears.Always swooning..always sighing..Maannnnnn that is SO irritating if one does that 24/7. Meena kumari was a good actress but here I am talking about physical and sensual beauty and frankly I always felt she looked like a leper with makeup. We shall leave Zeenat Aman and Parvin Babi out of our discussion because frankly although I do not dislike bikinis...Sometimes overdoin it takes away the mystery of the whole idea ..and a woman dumb enough to not realise that deserves my sympathy ..not admiration.

The only one who came close to my idea of being wat I wrote in the first few paragraphs was Shabana Azmi. Especially the way "Arth" revolved around her(Arth revolved around her..say that aloud). But somewhere she died down as she plateaued.

I feel that a lot of women in bollywood are pretty, and I am not one of those "golden days fan" . Yes most of the heroines are pretty ,but there is n important difference in being pretty and beaing beautiful.

The difference is that of "mystery" . Which is in a way of saying that if you are intelligent enough to create illusions than that adds to the prettiness

Prettiness+ Mystery= Sensuality

So now who do I think is that woman? Hmmmm...Lets see She was the same women to whom RajKapoor sang "Duniya Banane wale ..kya tere mann mein samayi". Indeed "kya cheez banayi"(thats my line..sorry for the cheap hindi ending)

The automata of our lives

I was reading a book on Cellular automata and somehow I think we behave acording to one as we move in time. As most of u know cellular automata is a matrix that has a space dependent variance as it proceeds in time.

Which simply means its a matrix that changes based on last condition. Something like Markov Processes. Which is again like a drunk man...he only remembers the fact that last time he was in a bar. ..rest all memory ..wife kids etc are irrelevent in his hunt for the next bar. The only relevant thing is the last memory that the last bar had closed down.

Lets think of our controllable variables in life..(Partially controllable)
C1,C2...

Lets think of Weakly controllable variables like our siblings, spouses etc

WC1,WC2...

And lets say non controllable variables

NC1,NC2...

Then there are varuables we do not know the property of..like say..a kid on the road..can u control him? if yes in wat way does he affect ur actions..

So name them and Unknown,,

UC1,UC2..

Now at the time u are born lets take it as t1..and as u grow the t increases to t2 , t3..etc

t1=[C1,C2...WC1,WC2...NC1,NC2...UC1,UC2..]
t2=[C1',C2'...WC1',WC2'...NC1',NC2'...UC1',UC2'..]
.
.
.
.
.tend=[C1end,C2end...WC1end,WC2end...NC1end,NC2end...UC1end,UC2end..]

tend= the end of ur life..ie the state variables at ur death..

So ur life in a way has the shape of a matrix containing these variables which change every moment in a random fashion..or maybe there are simple rules.
Since Cellular automamta has a complex "look" based on the fact that it in fact has "simple" underlaying principles..Doesnt it sound probable that even our emotions and dependent parameters change in a very simple way but also lead to complex patterns.

Which leaves a possibility open that our life is infact complex but yet governed by a simple set of rules.
Rich behaviour ..simple rules.

Thats a rule for automata ..maybe there is one for our lives
.

The wave

Yesterday I saw a movie ..a german one called "The wave". It was a movie suggested by a german guy working with me in the office .
The recommendation was prompted by a discussion we had in the cofee room about Hitler.
The german guy is a big fan of Gandhi and wanted to know how Indians look to him.
I told him that we revere him as a guy who led a billion guys to freedom. I also told him that while we had differences in the personal life of bapu..I as a person look up to him .I told him about Subhas chandra Bose and how he had used the POWs in the WW2 to fight aginst the British, and had some sort of pact with the japanese and Germans too ..but Gandhi was against Hitler and somehow ethically he convinced Indians that the British may be bad but this was worse.
Surprsisingly he seemed to agree and was full of admiration for the ethics led freedom struggle.
The conversation then turned to Hitler. He said something very interesting.

The crux of the matter was that he did not think that Hitler as a "evil" guy was blown out of proprtion. He said that at that point in time the germans cooperated with the idea and Hitler was only a focal point.
For example , he said, the first three years of war had a volunteer german army. No forced army conscriptions. I asked him how did this happen?
Why did German want to kill the jews..why did so much hatred against the French and Polish people.
He suggested that I watch this movie .
I did.
The movie was an eye opener. Its a high school based movie about an experiment on lines of Hitlers third reich.
If you get a chance please watch it.

When in Rome ...screw God !!!

There are two things that have happened since I came to Germany ...One I have watched youtube too much and I have been to Rome.

Two disconnected things that some how fell together when I was on the Plane back from Rome.

An introduction is due. The youtube videos I had been lapping up were the religious ones ..sometimes pleading..sometimes threatening and sometimes outright funny. Infact I have always benn amused by such religious videos. I can spend hours infront of Quran TV or Sanskar TV ....because nothing amuses me more than religion. I am highly entertained by serious people getting so damn serious about something so hillarious.

Anyway how does this relate to Rome? After all Rome is home of Vatican...the seat of the Church. I will come to that , but first a short history of Roman empire. Roman empire was the glory of Europe for 1000 years...shortly it rose for 5oo yrs..peaked for 200 and fell gradually for 300 years... ! All this from 500 BC to 500 AD. Big deal! Quite a big deal indeed !

What actually intrigued me was that all the grand monuments ..achievments in engineering...arts were made during the Rise and Peak time ...at a time when there was supposed to be utter chaos. There were a thousand convinient pagan Gods , the emporor was a God and so were his homosexual lovers, even favorite servants became Gods if the emperor so pleased. There were Games , debaucherry, sex, drugs ..and rock n roll(ok..i got carried away).
In short it was an utterly "sinfull" and "materialistic" place...with no God , no purity and no salvation. Yes it was ....utterly debauched. Yet yet yet..this group of "barbaric" people somehow built aqueducts...around 6000 miles of paved highways, the colloseum and invented advanced engineering. Infact this god-less time coincided with the peak of the empire ...till about 200 AD.

Yes there were lost battles ..killed emperors etc but Roma was the America of its day.

And then Constantine the Roman Emperor ushered in Christianity in 300 AD and within 300 short years Rome lost not only its empire but was relegated to dustbins of history ..till another Godless time began in Renaissance with Da Vinci.

This strangely got me thinking about the corelation between religion and Progress ....I started comparing organised religions rise and rise of civilisational power.
What I found is actually simple and may be too simplistic ..but there is a NEGATIVE corelation.
Example..Egypt(islamic), Mesopotamia(islamic),Rome(christian) etc....!
And the regions which remined largely untouched by falling fortunes were godless ones like China,Russia or people who didnt care like India, IndoChina,Srilanka..(I say Indians are deeply spiritual but non religious..frankly I feel its a culture than a religion. I am thinking hard of an Indian who died solely for his religion..yes the Sikh gurus but few else, compare it with Christian/islamic deaths)

Wherever organised religion took roots ..it ate away at everything . It was as if it fossilised an active culture into passive worship of few "selected" individuals ..who were the middlemen of God/s. No scienc, no culture..only faith.

Why?
Why is religion so corrosive?And why is it so attractive?

I feel that the reasons for both these answers are

1. Religion makes you happy as it tells you in some tiwsted way that you are not responsible for your actions. Yes , God has created you. You did not have a say. Whatever you do or say is Gods will so in a way since you are his product ..u do not owe anything to ur own decisions.

2. Religion gives and indeed promotes a non-questioning mind. Its a strange case where one feels comfortable with easy but wrong(empirical) answers. This is a very powerful incentive because thinking and doubting is hard work..very hard work.

That makes me feel happy in a way for India . Because as a country we are actually becoming more like consumerist and debauched Rome. We are losing our God and maybe concentrating on too many.
Maybe like a few others I see hope for the second rise of our civilisation. Without Gods grace!

Falling in love again...with my laptop

Last week I learnt a very valuable lesson in my life. Thanks to a lifeless mess of semiconductors called a Computer..more specifically my Laptop.
Ever since I left India , I was sure my laptop was no good. It had 256 mb RAM and 60 Gb HDD which was pathetic. Even more Pathetic was the fact that it was a Celeron Vintage. I mean in this age of Dual Core and quad core ,Celeron was a Dinasour. And 60 GB as like trying to move a home by packing into a tiny vanity bag. Too much crap..too less flip flops.
Add to this the fact that it was a low end compaq and not very good looking. Kept gathering dust on its screen and to put it simply it was too ugly, too slow, too small and too old(it was only three yrs old). The pages wre loadaaaadddiiinnn for eternity and formatting, defragmenting , reloading OS ,cleaning registry etc all tried and all failed.
I had decided that I wudnt spend a pie on this piece of shit till I throw it away. I mean the logic was this . ..If I upgraded the RAM, changed the drive and bought a new HDD , it would cost 1/3rd of the Cost Price of the laptop. And accounting for the 20% depreciation cost ..it wudnt make any sense doing the upgrade as long as it was "just working".
So gradually the Laptop was used as a stop gap and only for browsing while I did all my work on IIT computer.
One final nail came when I tried to load MATLAB 6 and the computer gave up.

As soon as I earned enough I wud buy a new ..most likely a VAIO laptop...That was the decision made.

Soon however settling down into the humdrum I couldnt get time to think about changing it. Infact everytime I went to a store I was always in the laptop section ..comparing this ..seeing that etc.
One fine day I decided that I needed storage space and my 2gb card wasnt much help. So I started looking for a portable drive and relised that it doesnt make sense to invest in another small flash drive ..I wud go for something where I could do a back up of all softwares . There was an offer for a 1 TB hdd and I bought it.

Now things began to change.

As I shifted the data to the drive. My laptop picked up...but just. I mean nothing noticable but I could feel that it was making a valiant effort. The fan was trying to cool its already overburdened processor as it tried to take on newer softwares,and I could hear it.

You may find it funny but I felt something for this old machine. I mean as I waited for the pages to refresh and heard the furious roar of its cooling fan...I felt that poor guy ..its trying its best. And I felt ashamed of myself. Seriously. I felt that while this laptop gave me hours of trouble free time(it had never broken down even once)..I was denying its basic "computer rights".
Every laptop had rights to better RAM and HDD and here I was being a creep ..thinking of throwing it away without giving it a fair chance.

So I thought lets make a try. I went and bought the cheapest possible RAM 512 and added it. Defragmented, removed junk data and cleaned up the entire thing...including the now dusty TFT.
Half expecting it to respond. As I switched it on again..I expected the same huffing and puffing and maybe a slight increase in speed . But nothing prepared me for the burst of energy.
It was as if I actually had a new laptop..The speed and response was faar faar beyond my expectations and it was actually as if I bought a new laptop.

I dont care about the money spend on HDD or RAM. What I care about is the fact that it taught me a valuable lesson.

A lesson that often we try to impress and invest time and energy in new people we meet. How often do we(make that "I") make a sincere effort to show that dedication to people who have been always there for us?
Yes, that is an oft repeated lesson and u may ask ..oh we knew that all along.
I am cool with that ..I do not deny that . But as far as I am concerned most lessons make a mark when you relearn them yourself ...and this was one of them.

BTW I am searching for a new name for my lappy..Any suggestions? ;)

What Germany is teaching me!!

I have been in germany for 3 monthes and its been a life changing expierance for me as far as I am concerned. Life changing in the sense that I have never have been clearer that I am a deeply religious person..and the religion is India. 

I have never ever thought how sensitive am I about my country than since I have left its soil,never has been the soil of my country been holier, never has been my identity so stronger. Never have I ever been so fiercely angry about my country being criticised. 

Germany is a also a fiercely nationalistic country and its people are generally chauvinistic about their country and I dont know its a good thing but I find myself sensitive even when they are not very critical. 

I agree that germans have their good and very good points. They are public concious and civic to a fault. They use Please and thank u with irritating repeatation. They are professional and workohlics ..and they are very duty concious. Things we cud learn. 

But at the same time the most surprising thong I found that none..none ..i mean none of the Germans smile! I may be alittle critical on that aspect but I travel on a "local train" called S bahn and its quiet as death even at peak hours. Even with rush hour traffic. 

Coming from India I am pertrubed by public silence and since living in mumbai..I dont feel at home till I bump into someone every second. And yes I am pertrubed by people not smiling! I mean its strange..How can these guys not ever smile?

Its not an European thing becos in Paris ..I see animated people..People talk smile laugh..Yeah have seen them dance too!! but none of that here..

The only thing these people enjoy is getting drunk. No other means of fun..!!Yeah I forgot ..kinky sex!Thats it! 

Dont get me wrong I am all for getting drubk and wild sex ..but can that be a national pastime ? I mean even a football game here is incomplete without getting drunk!

Yeah and food..Puhleese! Its sausages ,sausages and more sausages with bretzel! Its not difficult to see that why the people are so sad. u wud be ..if u had sausages and bretzel every single day! 

Its as if these were a bunch of dumb school boys. Its as if they follow a manual on everything. No one thinks outside the box.

Compared to such a living...India may not be the garden of eden but somehow ppl smile..no,they laugh...they plot,they conspire ..they cheat...yes all of that but they live life as they want! And yeah food..food ..glorious Indian food. 

I dont have anything against germans ,just want them to know that ..sorry boss..mera mann nahin lagta! 

Me in Stuttgart

I have been in Stuttgart for almost a month. So wat do I miss in Germany? Indian Food , indian people ..indian smells...?

Strangely nothing at all. I like it here . I like the way life goes on here. I like the fact that I am left alone with my books and music. I am happy that I have a choice to prepare and eat what I like ..live as I like. I love the fact that if I am not littering the streets no one is..
I love the fact that I can sit beside the frozen lake and think with my beer in hand and not get strange looks . I love the fact that there is an operational pavement for me to run for miles at end. I love the fact that the incoming car has the courtesy to let me have the right of way while jogging...

I like it that I am being liked by my boss. I like it that he feels that he feels nice with an Indian around in charge. I may not deserve it..but it feels great. It feels great to be an Indian. Strangely outside India.

But the best part is that there is a Bose Showroom next door and the Mercedes muesuem nearby. The day I feel lonely I go there and it feels nice to be in a world where these excellent engineering pieces were invented.

Would I like to live here forever...Strangely the answer is no.

I like India too much to ever think of settling here. It may not be a very rich country, neither a very advanced one...but its mine. I will never feel the warmth of India here. its not that people are bad but I must admit the fact that I am not "one of them".
I may sound like a hypocrite but I want that my knowledge is used in India rather than enrich Germany. I need India as much as India needs me. Its illogical. I know. Maybe I am being too sentimental but you dont deal logic with either mothers or motherlands...

Retard Functions

I sometimes feel that the biggest challenge in life is not to know what "women want" but to know wat u urself want.
What gives you pleasure and wat can be the source of greatest sadness for you. ..? what keeps you alive ..? what makes you wat u are...? and finally wat do u want to be? What gives you the courage to stand alone..stand alone and take it on your chest...?

How often do i ask myself..what kind of a guy am i?

The reason i am gettin these kind of weird thoughts is that marriage is looming large on my head and i am shit scared . I am shit scared because I dont seem to meet any of the requirements of a "marriage worthy guy". I mean it seems that I am not designed to "care and share". And although surprisingly I get along with kids I never had any desire to have mine and deal with the piss and shit..!!
People try to convince me that marriage isnt that bad ...I have failed in trying to convince people(read parents) that its not that I am afraid of marriage. Its just that I am convinced that I wont be a good husband...Why? The logic is thus..

A ferrari may be the best sports car in its class but it will take a lot of effort (most of it useless and wastage of miney) to make it a sub marine. Not because the ferrari is weak or a bad peice of engineering but because it has inherent flaws that retard its function as a sub-marine..So parallaly what are my "retard functions" as a marriageable guy?

First and fore most....I am a selfish guy. I really dont care about others as long as I am happy. I am not saying it in a cuddly cuddly way ..but i seriously dont care about the general public around me unless they are my parents, sis or a few of my coursemates.Its very difficult for me to be that ever caring and concerned husband that I see floating around. It appears too much of an effort..That brings me to the second retard function.

I am inherently lazy. Most of the times I get away because of part luck and part intelligence but deep down I am a lazy bum.I wudnt move my butt till a dragon is breathing down my neck.The worst part is that as soon as the dragon leaves I am back on my couch. Whats more I am pretty happy the way it is. I mean i seriously find it not too harmful a vice..

Thirdly I am too egoistic. Not too egoistic for me but perhaps for someone who is planning to spending a life with me. I may be pretty easy going to a lot of people but maybe that hides an overtly senstive guy . Sensitive to my ego. Its silly but for a person as small as me this ego is pretty blown up. I feel its going to be a major issue...

maybe lastly the greatest "retard function" is that I dont forgive neither forget. I may not be vindicative but i never forget "intentional" hurts. I do find it a wastage of time trying to be vindicative but most likely if u have hurt me ...the next time i see u in trouble i will push u down further. Mercy, my my..thats something I totally lack.

For some , love is the elixer of life , for me i think its hate. Hate keeps me alive . It makes me long to live and rejoice. I love it when I break through people who think they are smart. I love that little smile of triumph as I rise above my circumstances . And what makes me rise...Its total despise of this world i live in.

You might think me to be a masochist but I relish a good hurt. I feel great when the odds are higher and I feel absolutely alone, Its these moments that make me come alive.These have been the most beautiful moments of my life..where I have cried to myself ,dusted myself and rose up to fight .These are the moments i have hated others the most and loved myself the most...

I love the feeling of proving people wrong ...quietly.And at the basis of that strength is the hate i feel for the world at large. A world where either you eat the other guy or be eaten...I hate to be a part of this philosophy and this hate keeps giving me the strength...

It would be slightly difficult for any woman to understand this even though she may shake her lovely head in affirmation. I am convinced that women are too confused to understand anything and I dont have the patience...

Thats why a ferrrari may never be a submarine at heart...Too many "retard functions"

I really loved the lyrics of this Jagjit Singh Song

aadamii aadamii ko kyaa degaa
jo bhii degaa vahii Khudaa degaa

meraa qaatil hii meraa munsib hai
kyaa mere haq men faisalaa degaa

zindagii ko kariib se dekho
isakaa cheharaa tumhen rulaa degaa

hamse puchho dostii kaa silaa
dushmanon kaa bhii dil hilaa degaa

ishq kaa zahar pii liyaa 'Faakir'
ab masiihaa bhii kyaa davaa degaa

Doesnt matter if you dont share my sentiments...