What is the end game ?

 What exactly is the end game? Earn money? and Die?

The unbearable pain of being

 Life sometimes puts you into a set of events which spiral into am abyss where you are falling fast and the supports you try clutching to fall off like straws  

It's as of in years of living you have made no freinds or partners who have an emotional stake in you living. 

Initially you think maybe you are not alone. People whim you have trusted will genuinely come to your help in these times. 

As that illusion wears off slowly you come across the truth that they were really never there...

The dual shock of situations and the illusion breaking is like a stone on your chest that doesn't let you breathe 

.... all vestiges of happiness and life suddenly seems meaningless ...hopefully you will survive...

I have never felt so alone

At some level I have come to a realization that I will never be loved or wanted by anyone except maybe my father who ..well anyway ..

that thing hits hard. that it is a very sad life for most men...some run thru the charade longer but yes its a fact that men will never be loved for their own selves but for a pure transational reason. Rest all is a cosmetic coverup...its a pretend play and if you do not play along ..most likely you will be bullied as being negative and dark etc....

The art of Dying

 What happens when we sleep ....? What exactly makes that 6-7 hrs go away from your life 

(no dreams sleep).  Its like suddenly you go 'off' ' and become alive next day...its really strange as to how you 'die' mentally and again come back...

Is it the same for death. ? Seeing people in hospital, seeing dead people wheeled out of ICUS, accident victims...I frankly dont know if I am mentally comfortable with the idea of death.

Its all around us and every moment of our confident lives is a probabilty of death ...its right there . Yet I dont think I am ready to digest the idea of me dying...What I am scared of is the pain and suffering before the death...and what exacty is the most painless way to die ?

How will death come to me ? will it be 3 seconds of instant pain or a long suffering between life and death?

I dont know...the surety of life actually seems very fragile ,very weak....

The bearable art of being ...

 The world is a confusing place..no one actually knows anything much but has somehow figured how to survive. The beauty of survival and life is such that unless one makes an  centrated and sincere effort to die ,the world will keep you alive. Weather that's beautiful or painful is another question. 

What if you do  not want to survive? Amd you do not want to die? Atkeast not by your own efforts ...? What if you just wanted "not to be" ?

Not to be ...in the sense that you just cease to exist...painlessly and animoysly...just dissappear for the world and even yourself. What exactly would such "not being" be ? Bliss ? Pain ? Nothing? 

You keep the murmur about ' aim of living " ...point of life...purpose in life...wat does these actually mean when all of this is going to end in a pile of dead matter ? 

Call it nihilism,  fatalism whatever..calling it anything doesn't actually mean or solve anything  . It just labels something and leaves it into a small nest box .that's it. 

POINT of life ..point of living actually doesn't make any sense. It makes sense in a way because the alternative is a painfull process. Otherwise living is  pointless exercise ..a drain on your efforts . Rimming practically towards your own death huffing and puffing ...doesn't actually make any sense.

Especially when one sees that lack of love   interest or just a stake ...living each day actually is a burden to bear. Yes it might not be a very motivational paradigm but the mind and heart actually gives up...if you don't matter to anyone  if you really aren't happy what is the point of effort...? 

There are tow crtical milestones for any man ..and especially men. One is when he realises that it doesnt matter what people think of you as long as you have your mental peace and clarity and the second is when he realises that he will never be really loved ....

While the first gives a man immense comfidence and pleasure , the second breaks him . But both are a must have to have some kind of closure in life ....

The first is a liberating expierance and the second is a depressing one. A man who can cross these two humps with minimal damage will learn to be in a place of tranquilty and hapiness. 

The first realisation comes very early ....and the second one comes a bit late....most men sadly miss the two and as someone said 'live life of quiet desperation'..not ever knowing why they are played around by almost everyone in life. The faster these two hit men  , the lesser is the pain. 

Its Sad

 Its Sad ,

Sad to crumble

Sad to die...

One more day ..

Of unneccesary say..

Stopping, Stalling , masses 

Thick fog and dirty water..

Its sad..

The empty and unconcerned..

Mediocore,mundane ...meh

Its sad..

Time running out..

the last days imagined..

Pain, suffocation and weight...

Its sad 

Flashing images, distant tunes..

Hazy memories, slurry words...

Slipping ..

Its sad...

Yeah

 Really ..do i ?

I have never felt this sense of despondent desperation ever before in my life . The loneliness and the fear that I face at this point in my life I can't share with anyone. It's like at the end of 40 years I haven't got anyone to share my emotions fear or trust. It's just a superficial hi helo stuff with people I thought were close. It's emotionally draining to see that people I trusted just don't have that stake in me. It's just a formality that becomes close as per convenience.  Yes that's what it is ...convenience.

But yeah that being said,  I have realised that I have to get beck on my back , either find genuine freinds or partem3rs but this prese t shit has to go. 

No use dragging a superficial relationship beyond its expiry date.

.

Bapa

 Bapa ,my father ...

Coming from a big zamindaar family and being a very sensitive child , my father often had to face the short end of the deal in his family . His almost suicidally altruistic spirit landed him with loss of job, career and wealth even before we were born. Almost turned away by all those who he trusted , our family landed in Bhubaneswar with a little more than some jewelry and borrowings. The jewelry was stolen early and we were living off debts. Added to it the constant scourage of rental houses. 

My early memories of bapa and maa was of him coming up on a cycle with groceries and me and sis being just happy to see him. We always felt that he had nothing in his mind except our comfort. Even the fights between maa and him were more or less about arranging stuff from us. His uprightness and in a way stubborness made him a hero in my mind. 

I remember an incndent where maas jewelry was stolen and the police called him to the police station to identify the thief. The thief had sold off our jewelry but the kind inspector told us that we can have a part of the recovered loot...bapa flatly refused . That incident is still stuck in my mind...

As we passed out of school we went thru really rough times as I was not clearing many entrances and I knew even those I had cleared there was no chance as we had no money. I remember him managing some money here and there to send us for interviews. I was really depressed and angry at him for not 'doing enough'. However he kept his cool and would silently absorb the barbs. He would some how have the patience to cut fruits and bring it in evening ...I really cant forget his patience and love.

I got my job and moved out , my earnings suporting back home and sisters education. Sister moved out later, got a job and married. We moved into a house I bought and we got free of our rental woes...

Life moved on ...

In november 22 , in a phone talk with me , he complained of 'slight' breathlessness. For a man who never complained about his health it was a shocking thing for me. I rushed back on that day flight and next day blood test showed haemoglobin to be low(4.5). Rushed to a known haematologist Dr Priyanka samal at SUM Hospital and she recommended two units of blood and further tests. 

A few days later the tests dropped a bomb on me. It was Acute Myeloid Leukemia (M2) and he was almost 80. The doctor called me and explained me that chemo at this stage would be pretty bad so we must continue with blood transfusion.

I couldt convince bapa that it was not a simple anemia as he believed it to be. We would be giving blood transfusions almost every two monthes. I forbade him to drive his beloved scooty. 

I had finished my leave and came back to delhi. He had meanwhile driven his scoooty to the ATM and had a vomiting episode on its steps. Panicked I rushed back home  in feb 22 and we went for the obligatory blood tests and transfusion . He was ok after the transfusion and we had taken a small trip to see a farmland we intended to buy. On 25th march we went to see the land in a car and on returning he complained of tiredness  and pain in his knee. He coudnt get up and had a fever of 103 for a day ..called up the doc and rushed him to hospital. The doctor decided that the leukematic fluid had leaked and we had to start chemo. 

It was the first time I had seen him go lifeless in my hands and I lost my mental balance in hospital. Almost broke down and cried. 

I was there with him all through out the chemo and was the attendant , extended myu leave and we came home after the first session. 

I applied for a transfer and came back as his second session was in progress at home. Shifted bag baggage and started going to office from home.

Towards mid june sis came to visit , she arrived on her bday 17th june , we cut a cake but I could sense that bapa was sleeping more than usual . On 19th he started gasping for breath and we rushed him to emmergency. 

The doctor decided that he had gone into septic shock and his cardiac systema and kidney were infected. He stayed in ICU till 28th  june and regained concious ness .His first words to me were 'you only saved me ' seein him I couldnt control myself , broke down and cried. 

I knew we were on borrowed time . I was with him as an attendant and did everything possible to comfort him . Cleaning and feeding him was something I felt privilaged. He couldn speak much but he understood.

On 9th evening he had a video call with my sisters kid , told him hello and bye and suddenly his bp stsrted falling and he had to be taken to ICU.

On 11th morning 0630 the doctor intimated that he had passed away. 

Life without bapa was something unimaginable to me and still is. I lost the only man who really loved me and I knew he knew how much I loved him. I somehow feel lost and scared that he wont be 'there'..

happy bday...

Sometimes I think ..and maybe its true that I am so much obsessed by myself that I rarely have time for other people. Be that as may..I feel that if I am able to understand even one guy..why shouldnt that guy be me. After all I am investing so much time in 'understanding' . If I have to improve why not me? If I have to love..why not me? Before someone gets me started on sharing and caring bullshit..I sincerely hope that he/she/it is not an Indian. Because I dont know why but I have lost faith in anything said by an Indian(Generally..I am sure there ARE great Indians..but they are too miniscule to make any real real difference).And why 'they' Indians? Because I feel that majority defines the state of the nation..the feel of the nation and the nature of reaction. Somehow I do have a feeling of being caught up in a melee of bumbling Idiots who do not say what they mean..they scarcely know what their true feelings are..shallow dumbasses who are given to loud rhetoric and sheer cowardice. I feel ashamed that I am by birth within a nation thats lying itself away. Lies that start with ones own self. What do I want?What do I love? What do I feel? The 'I' factor has given away to 'living for others' which is an anarchoism for getting into each others face and making life miserable. Gaining small cheap 'one upmanship' and sacrificing the real happiness of being a 'man' or woman.At some level I do sympathise with the killer spirit of 'anything goes' in pursuit of some aim. But here the aim seem to be 'any thing goes system'. And shallow deep within..yep oxymoron but entirely true. You can scarcely make an indian speak the truth. He just cant do it. He has been groomed on lying ..lying to please..lying to achieve..lying to be happy. At the end of the day he has forgotten what its like to think the truth..! Feelings like love,kindness, respect which arise from deep within are games which this country is playing with each other on an olympic level. And everyone seems to be happy...And so be it. If the mentally retarded are happy..I have realised that its dangerous to show their medical report to them. Fatally dangerous. The only way out is to just leave ...for life ,love and hapiness.
And whats the rigmarole of this whole rhetoric? The moot point is that there is no 'I' as a culture due to which instead of a cooperative collective there is a collective mob with high expectations but low morals. Of high decibels and low efficiency. Of high slavishness and low leadership.
Frankly I dont know why I am writing this..Maybe because its my birthday and I wanted to write something. And sometimes I think I write because I cant stop. Its a stupid excuse to write poppsychology shit that I have just written but 'frankly my dear..I dont give a damn' ..not on my  birthday.

Personality Test

Recently , during a session we had a personality test and some team building exercises(the ones corporates generally organise). And there were three tests on personality, The Johari Window, Personality types, and FIRO-B tests. While seemingly innocuous and simple, I was struck by the counterintuitive results of these tests. The things that came out probably were so shocking for people that I remember the gaping mouth of a team member. It was a gape of shock at the tests ..not that they were shocking but they were true(well to a large generic extent) .
I was myself astonished at how true the tests were and how close they were to my personality. 

Delhi snippets

 Delhi was never my favourite city , infact it was one of the worst cities I had ever vistied. Rough weather , Rash people and unfreidly vibes . I had visited Delhi perhaps once during my school times and once en route to an adventure camp. And both expierances had been bad..Perhaps due to the largeness of the city or perhaps due to the oversmartness of people here.

That being said I moved to Delhi in late 2013 from Mumbai , December to be exact . And the incoming wasnt exactly welcoming. Long distances to work, bad traffic, really bad accomodation and a hostile work boss. 

I somehow compromised and pushed on. Of course the weekends were planned on visting monuments , Qutab minar, National Museum, Going for cycling rides with groups like Bikat to Amer fort,Photowalks with walking groups etc. Pradeep from IIT visted and we went on a ride on the gurgaon highway towards jaipur , having snacks at a dhaba, went on a trek to Panwali Kantha with the Bikat group, took a course in contract management at ICAI(Nov 14), Visted Israel in Feb 15,attended RC flying workshops in aug 15,

Went on another trek in Oct 15 and numerous art and craft sessions ...

Transfer came in Aug 16 and I moved to Karwar. Lost almost one lakh worth of camera equipments due to a freinds carelessness. First few monthes were hell . Infact first 8 monthes were hell. But Visited Kenya, Mauritius and Seychelles , took a scuba diving trip in seychelles, Came back , enjoyed Palolim beaches of goa from Karwar.

Second trip to France, visted Grasse the perfume capital. Went to Crete (greece), Visted the Pyramids at Egypt and alexandria in May 2017 followed by Israel (Dead sea, ceasaria, jerusalem), Saudi Arabia and came back and fell ill with Shingles (a viral infection ) and laid up in hospital for two weeks (a very scary yet somewhat calming time, with entire hospital empty). End October Got the news that I am going back to Delhi.Same place.

Was in Delhi in Nov 17

Went for horse riding lessons in Nov 17. Istanbul and Israel i Dec17. Surajkund mela 

Apr 18 an art class taken at defence colony. Visit to israel.

Aug 18, my first art exhibition at SACAC. Short clay lessons at triveni.

Oct 18, Visited Hardwar.

Jul 19, Shimla, Shwet parents.aug 19, hyderabad, mezzotint, prints

Jan 20 , Charans wedding Jodhpur

Feb 20, Israel

Lockdown....

And almost nothing after that till Nov 21 ...And there in another tale

With so much of memories at Delhi, its difficult to forget and not relive Delhi. But somehow the Corona thingy has made it all a distant past. A food you can no longer taste but the taste lingers on.

I am in my last week in Delhi and today is Wednesday, I leave on Friday. My baggage is gone and car is moving on thursday. 

I find myself unable to sleep . Memories , loss, letting go...all come to my mind as I close my eyes. It seems very hopeless now. Somehow I am not able to let go Delhi even though last two years have been nothing good. 

My old boss returned and professionally it has been hell. I dont find myself as active on any scene and somehow I have stopped doing anything. I somehow find myself alone for the first time ....

Hope keeps you alive and maybe thats what is somehow keeping me going..Hope , yes 

Confused

 These last two years have been one of the most blank years of my life. Its as if everything somehow conspired to suck the joy out of my living. I stopped painting, writing, socialising..even studying...almost everything I enjoyed and had enjoyed for so many years. Its as if nothing excited me anymore. I remember the days when I used to go for photowalks, cultural shows, outdoor painting sessions , ceramics pottery, films ..and so many things. I used to have a small etching studio and remember taking long and exciting trips to chandni chowk for copper plates and nitric acid. I used to buy and use wood planks in many projects I used to build. I used to be excited and curious about almost everything. Then as if suddenly everything stopped..without reason just died. It was not corona or lockdown because I used to bake and make lebanese , mediteranean food and even bake during lockdowns ..It was something else and I do not know what it was or is...

I stopped 'doing'. 

Got into a monotonous habit of eating, sleeping , office and repeat. I packed my stuff and let it rot. And it rotted and rotted while nothing mattered to me . Everything kind of became a chore. I was not tired, I was just not interested. 

In novmeber Bapa(my father) gave me a call saying that he is feeling out of breath. For a man who never ever complained about his health, this was shocking. And I rushed to my hometown only to be confronted with the fact that he had leukemia and the doctor although not directly but tacitly indicated that at this age things could be bad. We settled on BTS (blood transfusion) as the way out. Regular transfusions and my worries grew till march 22 when he had a swelling and high fever. At the fag end of my leave, it was panic as we shifted him in an ambulance , my first time in an ambulance. More and more things spiralled from one panic to other as we had to start chemo at the hospital. I was the attendant for almost 10 days at the hospital as I saw my father losing his health and sanity to chemo. Thankfully he was discharged and the chemo continues till date..

I asked for and got a transfer to a town nearby and today is perhaps my last week in Delhi. I leave behind a host of memories, a few special persons and a time which provided me with some wonderful memories. Work wise it had turned hell around 2 years back with a petty and vindictive boss and I had been superannuated...but even then I was happy. Happy spending my time with people I loved and respected. Happy just being near. 

I leave this city next week maybe forever. I dont like this city despite its beauty ..I liked the people I had here . And somewhere there is a foreboding that there is a finality to my leaving. There is some finality to somethings..I dont know what it is but somewhere I feel there is a kind of force pushing me away from this city, this 'life' and this set of memories. Things have kind of happened in auto and I am being pushed by some unknown or maybe I am just imagining things. 

I havent been 'normal' and things dont seem normal. I am really confused at this emotional roller coaster I have been riding, fathers condition, leaving the city, leaving a lifestyle , fear of the new , fear of loss...yes perhaps the fear of loss is the overwhelming feeling. 

Lets say this is not the best of my times....I just hope I see some way out of this..