Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The reason for divorce

I have been thinking about a lot of issues that I wanted to write in my blog ..but kept on postponing it. Today is a holiday and I must tackle a very sensitive issue..!

One of my very close freinds is going through a divorce. Infact he came to know that his wife has served a notice for divorce around three days back ..and today he is flying to his in laws town to get his representation in court there.
Kind of funny when you ask me because precisely three days back he was talking to his wife about patching up . Infact he was speaking of his wife as an innocent soul who had been waylaid by her mother(herself separated from her husband). He was justifying the fact that maybe his wife was a simpleton and he had been making too many demands on her maybe thats the reason she wants to stay away from him for sometime..etc etc.

My heart breaks for this guy because I have seen two other people go through the same phase in my life ...again very very close classmates. A phase where there is severe denial that there is fundamentally something wrong in the marriage. A phase where either refuses to accept the inevitibility of the fall. A phase where a fracture is read as a minor crack.

That makes me think what went wrong here? Why a divorce? Why do they happen?
Now I can cite atleast a hundred COSMO issues that give "communication failure" etc as the "cause" ...but I think its a fallacy. Its like trying to say that you have fever because you have temperature. No, fever might have a cause like infection and an effect like temperature but temperature is the resultant of the cause and not vice versa.

Similarly Lack of Communication is not the cause of divorce , its only a symptom which pre empts a divorce. So what is the exact cause ?

I feel that the seeds of divorce are sown along with marriage ,like a twin tree. As you move forward in marriage you start slowly nurturing the marriage tree and undernourishing the divorce sapling....till the divorce sapling withers .

Now if you have a strong divorce sapling..any amount of undernourishment will not be able to kill it.

Now what makes a divorce seed /sapling stronger ? Its a simple word " compromise".
Before you start pulverising me ..let me explain.

A marriage involves lots of compromise ...but marriage itself should not be a compromise. There is a difference.

A lot of marriages are compromises for money, libido or ego. Since they start as compromises the entire exercise slowly drains out the partners and the divorce sapling grows stronger at the cost of marriage sapling.
A marriage which is uncompromising depends upon the fundamental liking for each other(mind you..I am not talking of love here..its a mutual liking). Rest everything comes later..even compromises. Compromises after marriage in such a marriage is generally willing and is done because fundamentally both partners feel that its worth them liking their partner.
Food habits, clothing , culture and ethos are things that people compromise upon but they never compromise on the idea of marriage itself.

That is the fundamental difference between "compromised marriage" and "compromises after marriage",the first most likely leading to a divorce (or at most a very unhappy marriage) and the second leading to a stable one...

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