Efficiency

Every structure be it organisation , process or material can be objectively judged by only one criteria " efficiency" . First of all does it do what it's supposed to do with minimum use of resources. For eg take "crying" .. Crying is very different process at different times. Sometimes it's to express sorrow , sometimes to relive stress , sometimes for show. It should be efficient in all it's processes otherwise there is no requirement for that process. The same goes for culture and traditions. They are supposed to make subsidiary social processes efficient towards building a more efficient society and man.

The most critical part of building an efficient system is honest and brutal feedback. There can't be anything but a brutal feedback towards cutting all crap and making processes efficient. The failure to incorporate feedback is the hubris of any process.


And repetitive feedback generally leads to the simplest and most efficient structure / process.


Hence an efficient society seeks simplicity ... A sick society seeks complexity. 

Crossing the line...

Crossing the line is subtle. There is no thunderous sound of something breaking or a clap of lightning that announces the crossing of line. Its almost like a magical drift of slow but sure red shift of a black hole approaching astronut. The information just stops and the irony is that the astronomer who slides towards the event horizon barely notices that he has crossed it.
The other individual however observes a slow erosion of information and a fading into darkness. Ominously saddening yet inevitable. The warnings are always there. Loud and gravity defying. We just chose not to hear it. Its just sad that these things happen this way. Sometimes you wish there was a better way..But I guess if there was a better wasy there would be.

Those who venture into that realm of fact and fantasy should realise that if gravity can bring masses together..Its the same gravity that can tear you apart. Slowly but surely. Painful yet truthfully.

How close it is to human emotions as people bound by emotions are torn apart by it. The same confidance that nurtures it is the same force that tears it apart. Is it blindness to ignore the approach of the edge of that black hole where gentle gravity turns to destructive tidal gravity? Or is is the sense of security that lulls one's sense of gratitude because of the pervasive nature of love and respect? Is is that the slowness of time affects thoughts and somehow your descent is invisible to everyone except you?

Whatever it is ..One adage remains. Once the line is crossed ..you lose that universe..Forever. ;)

There is a line ..

Here it is

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The lens of life

I wrote this piece of shit when I was a bit drunk :


'Even if the entire world is shit..or so it looks like, remember one thing. The lens through which we perceive, feel and conceptualise 'the' world is built by us. The clearer we are in making that 'glass' , the 'purer' we are ..the world will appear so. Some say that the only way to live is to be 'brave'..I differ. The only way to live is to be 'scared'...Scared that this is your last day on earth. 'Scared' that maybe tomorrow I wont be able to smell the flowers, see the colors or touch the sky. The only thing that is truly your own worth building is information..ie memories. Don't take photos..take experiences. Its one imprint that's truly your own. Love! thats the only thing worth feeling...if you haven't experienced it ..you are either an idiot or an asshole. Imperfect,stupid and sometimes deceitful..Love,whatever it is its worth a try. Majority doesn't make anything right..you know that. Morality doesn't come from religion..it comes from common sense. Believe in only two things death and taxes(Oscar..oscar ..oscar). Nothing 'guarantees' happiness..except your acceptance (ref Chap 18 , The Bhagvat Gita). Dont be procedure oriented..be result oriented. The only result that should bother you is 'happiness'. And never make anything emotional with 'agendas'. Its counterproductive always. Some rules just cant be broken(AKA conservation of Mass-energy and the psycho-neurotics of women). Accept and move on . Thought processes define you. If you don't have one ..borrow and make do. If you are mentally incapable of lovemaking..dont try physically. Not worth it.  . No one is indispensable..not even you. You aren't that important. There is a thin line between vanity and pride ..or between confidence and shamelessness. Its thin but its pretty distinct . Dont cross it. . And yeah.. Try giving a bit less Gyan..its pretty fucking irritating ..esp to the idiots '

And maybe verbal dysentery doesn't just go away ...call it the hangover of dysentery...

Come to think of it.. Life sometimes is SHIT. But the best part of it is that I think life gives you hints...subtle but nevertheless hints. Expectations and hints about expectations. It hints that sometimes you are not as important in someone's life as you think yourself to be

(As Twain Bhai said once .Never allow someone to be your priority while you're just their option)..

It could be your lover,freind, Dog(Ok,not Dog.. Dogs dont do that..) or relatives.. The fact that you are thinking about it should ring alarm bells..Loud..Very Loud. Nothing is more sad than sticking to people who don't care about you. You are better off alone. No doubt that the thought hurts but so does dishonesty in something as hardcore as emotions. You cant make a dishonest relation work. However competent you are. Walk away! Easier said than done..but please walk away and search better skies(if not better ..maybe emptier skies). Dont ever try to 'make it work'. If you are trying to make it work it is an effort..and efforts are taken for building buildings or roads..not building relationships. Happy relationships are effortless.You cant keep a fundamentally repulsive building  from falling apart using cello tapes...You will run out of tapes soon and it will still fall apart. Yes you can use good cement to put it back..but then if you had good cement why didnt you put it initially ??Most likely ..you built it like a cement building only later to find out that instead of cement the mason used clay..and NOW how intelligent of you to use cello tapes ;)

Its quite possible that there is honesty on both sides and its just that priorities are different. Whatever it is ..if you both are mature persons..Don't ever realign them. Just walk away(Preferably with head held high. That way both of you are sad for a moment but you have opened up possibilities for future to be happy. And walking away mentally is the first step towards the same. Perhaps thats the easiest part which eventually is the beginning of the end. And everything ends ..like life. 
It doesnt matter who cries for u after you are dead..or if they build monuments for u. U are fucking dead ..how does it matter? Invest more time into thinking how to avoid dying before death. Invest more time into yourself and stop feeling sorry or sad for others. They have been going on till now without you and most likely they will.You cant be that important. 
And don't play games. Its stupid. In the end its a zero sum sports ..even if you win(if you dont believe me..ask those guys who have won ;)) . What you win is a 'prize' ..a 'deal' ..And deals are not relationships. Deals are bargains. And if you consider ..bargains are like momentary gratifiers. Their joy doesn't last long..and perhaps till the time you are boasting about it to your peers. But you really cant boast to the man in the mirror. Try doing it. You have to be a real delusional asshole to fool that man ..or u are a Delhite(ouch)!!

You lose value to gain in price. And then live with that low value. Dont disrespect yourself so much. Live with self dignity and death will be a fulfilling one. But I guess..one has to ..in the end ..think his/her own philosophy. And I have realised that some people inherently want shit in their lives and subconsciously are happy with the negativity.

Its no use selling emotional honesty to assholes...Assholes are best left alone. And thats the brazen truth. Its like selling High quality Caviar to a villager from Mainpuri..(most likely not only his food tastes differ ...it will be his definition itself of quality and 'high' will be different) . So dont waste your time....  
You really cant explain the benefit of an honest attempt to persons whose entire life is spent 'bargaining' for deals..
The best u can do is politely detach and continue with your pursuit of 'hapyness' and let him/her do their own things. There is no right or wrong...he/she is as much sincerely pursuing 'hapyness' as you are ..and who knows ..
Perhaps he/she/ it is right...
But just let it be...!..Its ok!! Be happy :)

Do we deserve Modi ?

I started writing this piece when the elections were in full swing. Now I am that kind of asshole who will watch up Elections 2014 all night and give the Football Premier league a major miss. And I dont know why I stopped in between..maybe my thoughts were a bit flustered to be coherent..

Modi as a phenomenon burst forth in these last elections and every journalist worth his NaCl was analysing the pros and cons of this man. Some were regurgitating the 'modisms' while some assholic Red Party members were comparing his rallies to Nuremberg Nazi propaganda. Fear mongering at the rise of 'right wing' extremism and 'crony capitalism' reached a frenzy in the media while the elections were in full swing...

We Indians are weird lot..our best discussions happen over the overtly sweet roadside stall tea. The irish have their pubs ,americans their bars and we have our chai party. As we stood discussing weather Modi deserved to rule India or he was just a demon in disguise hungering for power ..I let in a small idea. I thought that the question was not if Modi deserved India ..the question was whether India deserved Modi. ..?
Why?
Because of late when I hear debates ..I pay close attention to the conduct of debates. The worst participant I have ever come across over TV is the so called 'hoi polloi' the common man.
This mob bastard has suddenly come of age. Now he knows that it is his time so he pulls in a long breath and berates every man in his way. This guy isn't good enough for me..I want this ..I want that ..this govt is this that etc.

To get a coherent argument out of this bastard's 'common man' is a herculean task even for the most obnoxious delhi trained anchors.
Now my question is this! Does this 'common man' who spits on the road, breaks traffic rules, cheats on his taxes..fondles butts on public transport ..deserve an honest and hardworking leader? Does he have the right to even ask for justice and fairness when his own life is a picture of being bullied or bullying ? Does he have the slightest right to deserve a guy like Modi who has had a tough and fighting life and has made it despite odds?
But then I digress..What makes Modi such a powerful factor?

1. This guy is detached. If you ever hear Modi speak ,it conveys the air of a man who although is committed to his ideals is detached almost with a monk like attitude. His personal belongings are few and he doesnt flaunt it nor hides it. He gives the air of 'nothing effects me '..and seriously this guy has seen a lot of shit..! If he has survived and shone , he is my hero!

2.  Business first. Modi is a god's gift to people who make things happen.
He isnt an anarchist but he knows the loophole that prevents a well meaning Indian from giving his best. He appeals to those who want to 'get the work done'. Point is that people who produce aernt loud people. The prefer to work hard and are concerned with their profession..honestly. These guys would not like loud rhetoric. Modi is not rhetoric..he is work personified.

3. He is an expert at keeping assholes at arms length. Modi has been efficient. He might not have been sweet ,cuddly or cute..but he is efficient. He has a great ability to put loudmouths in place by his actions and words. Which means he forms the much needed wall between those who are shouting on streets about big words like Democracy,secularism etc...and those who are working. That wall is needed because those who are working are incapable of dealing with violent rhetoric.

4. He is no flash in pan.In fact he is a piece of smouldering coal which has kept burning despite all cold water from various quarters. And that is no mean feat.

5. He isnt modest. He is the perfect amalgamation of a good product backed by solid advertising.

6. He is intelligent enough to remain a bachelor ;)

Now we need to ask ourselves..Do we seriously deserve this man?

The happy porridge!

Someday I think I will write as honestly as I want to. Why someday because somewhere I believe that the meaning and semantics of 'honesty' have got blurred by a strange porridge floating around...

Its now become difficult to pick out the truth from lies. Strangest thing being that sometimes the lier himself/herself has forgotten that he/she is lying. There is no fog of confusion ..its just that there is a group pleasure in keeping eyes closed. Its a juggernut that's surely and slowly moving towards sure braindead scenario.The only sure determination being 'moving around'. 

Not only that, it has somehow discovered the numbing pleasure of being brain dead. A slow juggernaut of porridge pushing its way through caviar and uber food..converting everything into ..well ..porridge. Nameless,faceless,tasteless ..happy porridge. Yeah...that is important. The 'happy' factor. Happy in its namelessness, classlessness, and socialnesses. All the 'nesses' except for the discerness ...

Perhaps someday I will be successfull in tearing down the wall of stupidity and shame and write as honestly as I can without inhibitions. There is nothing that prevents me from doing it..perhaps lack of wisdom..patience :(

Whatever it is ..reach it before the 'Happy Porridge' eats me ;)

Solitude ki maa ki aankh - hampta pass trek

 I prefer solitary treks. I prefer walking alone. That being said I prefer company of likeminded people who do understand that. The hampta-pass trek kind of underlines the fact that no matter how weird you are..there are likeminded weirdos. Starting on a tuesday afternoon where I had to run from office (changing from formals to trek pants and seeing the look on the secretary's face was well an enlightening expierance). That and the worn out backpack in place of the breifcase and trek boots in place of the shiny formals to complete the look...Maannnnn I am expecting some puzzled looks back at office on this tuesday! Metro ride to Civil lines and rendezvous at the corny sounding 'Majnu ka tila'(fucckkk..who keeps a name like that??). Majnu was a legend and here was a 'tila' named after him. Woww!! Its like naming a drain after Ghalib..Ghalib ka naala!! So much for naming hot spots. Pankazzz was waiting along with Gear-ish and a host of eager faces. We board the volvo to Kulu-Manali and I plug in my ipod(ok ok..its a sony walkman). Girish sits next to me and frankly I apprehensively ask him..so many girls? on a trek? I wonder why did you bring them along. Girls are frankly a pain on treks . They talk. And they have the weird habit of spoiling the silence of the moutains. I would have preferred a smaller group and preferably of expieranced guys who know when to shut up and listen to mountains...But such is life and Girish sheepishly assured me that it was a nice group and we will get along all fine. Yeah..I hope ! :( First accident of the night...! Darpan introduces himself and we get to talking about Delhi-Mumbai. Poor guy like me is a mumbai lover and is obviously isnt exactly in love with the 'city of djinns' . Our frustrations take on mind boggling dialectics as poor Girish and the 'delhi gang' cant fathom why are we so angry at Delhi. Although I have made a mental note to start 'liking delhi' ..I guess somethings just dont change. So we argue till we are tired and then like all democratically inclined Indians,go to sleep.


Second accident of the night... It starts raining . And its a selective rain on our Japanese import..Yachna. Clearely it was a Indo-Japanese conspiracy to trouble poor Yachna. On a more prosaic note , the AC ducts were leaking and Yachna madam just happened to be at the wrong place. Like every red blooded Delhi gal..Yachna gave a mouthfull to the driver and then explained to all of clearely and patiently that 'she isnt angry ..she is just setting things right'. We realise that its better to keep quiet and nod our heads rather than getting another sermon in Japanese(or in Punju).I tuck in my head and let the storm pass... Third accident of the night...We stop at a dhaba for dinner. Time for Priyanka madam to give a commentry on the hygiene and food of the michellin star dhaaba. She orders for a 'pheeki' chai. The Dhaaba has never heard of such abominative invention and instead hand her a cuppa of tea which was actually a substitute for kheer/rabdi. Priyanka blows her top. Doesnt have the desired effect on the waiter. So she resigns herself to her faith and sips it in mumbling to herself. Dinner over we huddle into the bus..and ride on. Its a beautiful morning when we wake up for tea at a small restaurant.


          Normal mornings at mountains and its a normal start. Only thing that was funny was the faces of all the team members when they had just woken up. I find it funny that when a man wakes up its not abnormally an event but when women wake up in the morning they all look like they have just come through a storm. Its scary. But I keep my misogynist thoughts to myself.I have realised that freedom of expression aside...these are ideas that can get you killed in this day and age..and I love myself. We stop at Kullu to buy raincoats for some of the guys who had forgotten to buy it. Some guys take this opportunity to stuff themselves with burgers, chowmein and other 'modern food stuff' as they fear that this is their last 'civilised meal' befor the trek. We move into the trekker /sumo and move towards the starting point. The starting point is inside that of a reserve forest so we take permits. Then we get down at the ground zero to have some lunch and start. Tragedy strikes. My green waterbottle is missing. Now, for those who came in late..I love my green water bottle and I feel alone without it on the trek. I slip into severe depression. Wild grey clouds hover till Girish waves me bottle he had found in the bus. I am happy again.


       We start the trek. Dennis and Priyanka are clearely well kitted up with thier swanky walking sticks while some of the newbies are in their stylish Puma gear. Of course some of the more well heeled had bought sun-hats and glares more suited to a day at the race course track than the trek. And it was a sight to see this motely group tentatively begin their walk. Shagun is clearely enjoying the trek and her running commentry and josh is kind of pumping up the group while Pranit and Rakesh are at a loss to understand exactly what is she so excited about. We come across interesting stuff like sheep getting sheared and a lot of amazing streams and rivulets. More interesting were some denizens of nature who were rather mundane when walking on dry land but developed amazing histrionics when it came to crossing small water puddles. Entertainment..pure entertainment. Speaking of entertainment...Salman's soul entered a teammate on the way and suddenly we had to oblige with shirtless hairy armpits related photo events...! Again ...entertainment..entertainment..entertainment.


           Led by Panna our guide we reached 'Balu ka dera' and Darpan/Shagun start a rather philosphical discussion on the correct name ..'Baalu' or 'Bhalu'. Girish is brought out to solve the dead lock but it seems the cause is lost on him as he somehow logicalises that its 'Baalu' because clearely there are no 'Bhalus' in sight. Well we didnt get the 'Bhaalu' side of the story but we are too tired to care. Night falls and we are around the first and only campfire of the trek(no woods after that). A few of the first timers were a bit tired and of course a bit of fever from fatigue ..but they took in an early dinner and retired. Some of the night birds stayed up to chat away the night.That night we discovered the hidden gem of the group..Nishanth. Nishanth was a devotee and a true devotee. If Mahadev had an opening for that post of fav devotee, Nishanth would have made it by a long margin. We feel blessed in his company. Darpan and self get our 'respect-o-meter' out and recalibrate it to match Nishanth's talent. Speaking of talent ... Well..sometime else!! People get hostile !! A small acclimitsation trek to get ourselves fitted up and we are chomping our way through our mess tins..and off to slumberland. Next day morning starts with a challenge ..Finding the right stones. (those who found them will understand). This day trek is a bit tough and we cross two glaciers.


First timers did face some challenges but overcame them beautifully. Especially Yachna and Zeta who surprised us with their amazing 'can-do spirit'. We reach the Hampta Pass in afternoon and face the most anti-climactic moment of the trek. Now Hampta Pass is clearely not the edge of the world but its innocousness is almost self effacing. There are no signboards(aka Rohtang/Khardungla) and its a pass thats almost ashamed of itself. Rakesh lights a agarbatti..as is the custom and others eat away (as is the custom). Some photo sessions later the group bunches and then marches to Chatru. Its one of the most boring downhill treks ever. But it gives me ample time to draw/write and dance(I sometimes do that when I am alone and there is no one around)..its a beautiful feeling to sing out aloud in the wilderness..and I imagine myself to be Elvis/Rafi and Roger walters all rolled into one. Fortunately no one is there is to take note of my hidden talents ;)


      We camp at Chatru and lets say we had a good time. Period. Next day we catch the bus to Chandrataal. Hero of the day is my FOLDER 10 of music player which alternatively irritates and entertains the team mates on their way. Chamdrataal is the smaller brother(or sister) of Pangong Tsao Lake but is more beautiful because 'Delhiwllas' seems to have missed it on their marauding ways. Amazing colours and space. I wanted to be there for atleast a day. But time was short and we utilised it for a Kingfisher Male model shoot. The pictures were a hit but after sometime the moral police and cold butted in and we had wrap it up and returned to the camp. That night was the best night of the trek. Yes it was. Thanks to Shagun,Nishant, Darpan, Girish and Wakil..and well..the 'OH' group. I guess I wont forget the night for a long time. Next day we tied up and rode the way back to civilisation. My takeaway: Solitude ki maa ki aankh. Enjoy !

The anti social

Today I met a freind who had come in to the city for some work. As we sat down to dinner and started talking about treks etc...he cleared his throat and said 'I got to discuss something I have been hearing about you' ..

Now, when I hear this kind of throat clearing I know something is wrong but hey he was afreind and how wrong could it be. ..? Between mouthful of chicken swarma I asked him ..Yeah?

'It seems lots of people saying that you do not respond to calls ..you do not attend socials and in someway you have turned into an 'anti social'...Has it got something to do with 'matrimonial problems'?

Now ..I almost laughed..infact almost choked on my swarama..!

I told him...' You called me? ' Did I refuse? Infact I drove 23 Kms to just meet you! In what way do you think I am anti social.

He said..well been hearing alot so i thought I would ask you if its something thats true.

Here is a gist of what I told him..

Yeah! I am an antisocial to lots of people ....I dont feel like investing my time in people I think are a drain on intellectual resources. I have limited time on earth and I want to invest that time in me. My capacity for pampering fools is not much and I draw on it limitedly. Why? because its not worth it.

If a person cant enrich me in his/her conversation why should I talk to him/her? Why should I socialise with a group that gossips and talks about people rather than ideas? Of what use is such a conversation to me?
I dont take out time for so called 'freinds' because I have better things to do..!I would rather study programming or do a sketch than drink and bitch about how bad the world is...

I dont agree that that the world is a sad place so why should I feel compelled socially to agree with those who think it is..? I cant talk about diapers and wifey joes because..well..I dont have either issues. So what do I talk about!

I have in my life felt moments of pure bliss and joy which have brought tears of joy to my eyes. Being loved by a dog, kissed by a baby or on top of a peak which I have climbed. These are joys that I like ruminating over. The joy of finally capturing 'light' in my sketches..or the joy of plotting complex numbers in matlab..I dont want to make anyone privy to them...Atleast those who are far away from understanding the import and worth of such pleasures..! How long can I talk about my bad boss..bad system and stupid political generality?

So , I stay away and spend my time better. I am selfish in the way that I dont like mixing with ugly people. Whose thoughts will disturb my mental peace and try to make me feel guilty. I dislike the power of negativity of such people.

So I stay away..Its better that way.

Why Draw

Now there was a group where we had to tell our names and explain as to why we paint/draw!

I got up ..told my name and as to the question 'why do I draw'? I went blank. All I could give was a nervous and a real amused laugh! Nervous because I was blank and amused because of the answers I had heard before 'I am passionate about drawing'..'I like design'..I want to draw because I am preparing for NIFT/NID entrance etc etc..And I really couldnt think of any smarter answer...

I thought while was standing and I really thought..Passionate? Naah... Design ? Naaah...Love drawing ? Naah...

Why do I draw?

I could give a million answers and they all would be wrong. I really cant put a finger on why I draw..!
But I do draw obsessively..

 I draw on my organiser..I draw on newspaper...I draw on office post it notes..When I see a figure I am subconciously looking at the veins and muscles fold and thinking how to get the 'stretch' feeling on paper. I look at a begger and start having a high contrast visions of his wrinkled face...

I draw ..well..not because I want to ..I draw because I cant stop.
Like its with writing I guess..

No really. There is really no hocus pocus to it...Frankly I feel drawing kind of detoxifies me. It gives me a period of immense meditation for atleast 10 mins (yeah thats the most i spend on any drawing)..It makes me feel light..infact when I draw I sometimes forget everything outside..Only light and shadows remain...

So let me put it this way..

I draw because words aernt enough..Period.

The requiem for a dream -Redux

Wait..!!

Before you picture me as a doppleganger under a bridge snorting heroin(thats what they snort..rite..?or Cocaine ..whatever) I must confess that writing this was a bit of leap of faith. Why?

Because when I started this blog I started it with an aim to be honest in my writing. I cant write fiction ..nor do I want to...(Infact I wrote a fictional piece about two tortoises who save a raft of shipwrecked men,and finally get eaten by them..It was so bloody depressing that I decided never to write fiction again )..
 So the only option left was to write about what exactly I felt. Because somehow I have a strong faith that art(writing, poetry, painting) touch the world only when they are honest. Actually I am not bothered with 'touching' the world...too much. They can touch them,selves for all I care ...I am only bothered that I should be honest about what I write. If I think Sushi is crap..well its crap. I cant write anything otherwise..!It will be a fake set of words and wouldn't make me happy..


Coming back..I thought a lot because writing about addiction meant that I would be exposing a part of my life that isnt known very publically ..So here goes..

Smoking !

Now I was never a smoker in the true sense of the word. I was the 'occasional puffer' . I took a fag after a drink. Maybe from a freind who was smoking or on a borrowed ciggie... But around two years ago I bought my first giggie pack ..! and that was it. I was 'into' it ..
I never admitted to anyone that I did smoke, after all one or two sticks a day or once or twice in 2-3 days wasnt addiction..Or so I thought.

The problem was that I thought there was no problem. I cycled. ..trekked..swam with equal vigour and life had no issues as far as smoking was considered. I wasnt smoking the big league plus it made me pass my time when I was painting or writing..I tried to leave it once but then thought ..what the heck ..its ok to continue..!I wasnt a smoker..

The problem was still not there when I came to Delhi. I was still trekking and trekking better than people 10 years younger.There ..no problem..

Sometime in June 14..I saw a film that I had seen many times earlier. It was called 'Requeim for a dream' . The film is supoosedly about 'addiction'. Pure and simple addiction where the effect of addiction is same ..be it drugs or weight loss. This was afilm I had seen earlier but taken in the context it rammed home the point that I had a fight on my hands...

And then I thought. Is it an addiction that I was in denial about? If I 'need'  it..its an addiction.
The more I thought about it the angrier I got. Was I addicted to cigarettes? It was such an embarrassing thought that I was repulsed more by the thought than by the fact that I was a smoker.Me ? Addicted ..? Shit..!I felt so much like a loser...

 I am a believer of this theory:There is no onetime  ransom ..you pay once ..you keep paying ransom.  Which means that if something holds you hostage you can set yourself free only by denying that by which you are held hostage. For example if you feel you are being held hostage by 'French fries' ..its only by completely convincing yourself to cut off French fries is that by which you can be 'free'. There are no half measures. Especially in any kind of addiction..food..drink ..emotion.

Which is to say I dumped the habit. On 01 Jul 14 .....

I expected drastic 'withdrawal symptoms'(did check on the net.). I expected me to kind of get those high intensity cravings etc etc..What happened was ..well Anti-Climactic.

Sure ,I did get cravings , triggers for a puff (especially during tea breaks..or after dinner). These things are very very alluring for the first few days . Infact I did steal in a ciggie (rather a puff) on the third day. It was surprising as to how bad it tasted . I guess thats the power of the mind..Or its just that I wasnt really a hard core Marlboro Man.

Now its almost been a month since I gave up and from what I read is that the worst part of craving is over. I didnt feel any so called 'withdrawal' symptoms..perhaps because I wasnt really a dedicated 'smoker'. In fact the only side effect I had was that my apetite went shooting up..and yeah the food tasted better.

But the reason I wrote this piece was not because of the experience of quitting. It was the experience of winning a small battle in my mind that has kind of effused me. The fact that you can defeat yourself is at some point of life very gratifying.

Its somewhat like those last few pedal strokes on an uphill climb where there is this constant battle in your mind. A battle where on one side there is a comfy van with cool water ..and the other side is a WIN. The issue is that you win this ALONE. This is a victory of your mind over your body.
Its a victory we experience so fully that its indescribable. Its a victory which you wear silently and proudly..or maybe write a blog about ;)

PS: The whole anti climax is that since I wasnt a Bona fide Smoker, Most people in my vicinity instead of prodding me on ...Ask me that stupid question ..'I didnt know u smoked ' :(

thoughts

. “Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn’t feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That’s my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.” – Jennifer Salaiz